Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Can separate beds be best?


I'd like to hear from my readers on this topic.

An article in the Daily Mail suggests that separate beds, even separate rooms, may be best for some married couples.

The secret to a long and happy marriage could be having separate beds, an expert on sleep claims.

Not only will a couple escape arguments over duvet-hogging and fidgeting, but they will have a proper night's rest.

This will have a huge impact on both their health and the relationship as poor sleep increases the risk of stroke, heart disease and divorce, said Dr Neil Stanley.

The consultant, who set up sleep laboratories at Surrey University, said: 'Poor sleep is bad for your physical, mental and emotional health. There is no good thing about poor sleep.

'If you sleep perfectly well together, then don't change. But don't be afraid to relocate.'

If a husband or wife snores, twin beds might not be an option either, and they should sleep in separate bedrooms, he told the British Science Festival.

Dr Stanley, who follows his own advice and sleeps in a different room to his wife, said that double beds are just not conducive to a good night's sleep.

He said the tradition of the marital bed began with the industrial revolution, when people moved into cities and found themselves short of living space.

Before the Victorian era it was not uncommon for married couples to sleep apart.

. . .

Dr Stanley's advice follows studies at Surrey University on the impact of tossing and turning on sleeping partners.

When one partner moves in his or her sleep, there is a 50 per cent chance the other will also change position.

Despite this, couples are reluctant to sleep apart, with just 8 per cent of those in their 40s and 50s bedding down in different rooms.

Separate bedrooms are much more common in old age, with more than 40 per cent of those aged 70-plus sleeping apart.

This could be because long-established couples feel more secure in their relationships.

They may also find it easier to bring up the touchy topic of one moving out of the marital bed and could also be more likely to have a spare room than a younger couple.

Dr Stanley said the argument that it is comforting to sleep beside someone else holds little water.

He said: 'Sleep is the most selfish thing we can do. People say that they like the feeling of having their partner next to them when they are asleep. But you have to be awake to feel that.

'We all know what it is like to sleep in a bed with somebody and have a cuddle.

'But at one point you say, "I'm going to go to sleep now".

'Why not at that point just take yourself down the landing?

'Intimacy is important for emotional health. But good sleep is important for physical, emotional and mental health.'


There's more at the link.

I can't help but think that Dr. Stanley is right about this. Sure, if couples can adjust to sleeping together and not disturb each other, that's great: but in marital counseling, I've found that's not always the case - not even close. If that's the case, why not sleep in separate beds, even separate rooms?

My own parents had separate bedrooms because my father snored loudly, and my mother simply couldn't sleep properly next to the sound of an asthmatic, wheezing chainsaw. It didn't prevent them having at least the normal amount of marital intimacy (not if four children are anything to go by!), and they were quite comfortable with 'visiting rights' to each others' beds whenever they felt like it. They stayed together for 64 years until my mother's death, so they must have got something right!

I'd be grateful to hear from my readers about your experiences of this. What's worked for you? Do you manage to sleep well enough sharing a bed with your partner, or do you use separate beds and/or rooms? Does it seem somehow less intimate to have separate beds or rooms, or can - do - frequent 'visiting rights' suffice? Please leave a comment to let us know your experiences and/or thoughts.

Peter

13 comments:

LabRat said...

Same bed, but neither of us has a snoring problem that's not treatable with some basic antihistamine and decongestant precautions.

As for "you only notice when you're awake", my hind foot. Even if we retired to separate beds after some massive blowout fight (let alone one of us travelling), I still wake up the next morning with either just my arm thrown across his side of the bed, or actually huddled there. I'm used to having a bedmate and do NOT only miss it when awake.

I completely see the logic if you can't peacefully sleep together, though, and in that case I'm sure I'd adjust.

Brad J (Kazrak) said...

The solution we use is, basically: same bed, separate blankets. She's got hers, I've got mine. This way neither of us needs to worry about the blankets being stolen.

Lokidude said...

My ex wife and I shared a bed until our marriage fell apart, at which point I ended up sleeping on the couch most nights, for my own comfort and peace.

When my fiance comes to town, we share the bed, and have found that neither of us can now obtain a restful night's sleep without the other one there. We toss and turn (evidenced by twisted and disturbed bedding), wake up frequently, and just in general lack rest, a situation that goes away when we're together. I'm certain it's an unconscious thing, but the unconscious never really shuts off.

If there was a condition such as snoring that caused an issue with sleep, I'd find it entirely appropriate if a couple chose to sleep separately. Personally, as long as they're happy and healthy, I couldn't care less about their sleeping arrangements.

Donna said...

I guess I'm the odd reader out. My husband and I have been sleeping in separate beds for the past few years. Jay is in the military and as a linguist - he is frequently deployed (currently serving in the sandbox). He also takes medication for PTSD which causes him to sleep very heavily and he thrashes when he does. If we slept in the same bed, neither of us would get any sleep.

It works for us, we just had a baby 8 months ago.

Andrew said...

Brad J. has the right idea.

My wife and I always recommend, as an essential ingredient for marital harmony, top sheets and blankets a size larger than the bed. This increases the margin of safety before the inadvertent blanket-hog disturbs the other.

Mikael said...

Depends a bit on the couple. Mind you I even know of a couple who have sex in their sleep. I know this because they did it at a party with some mutual friends, I'm told the camera phone videos were erased after being shown to the couple.

Anonymous said...

Separate beds or rooms may work better for others but I know I sleep worse when my wife is away (or I am.)

STxRynn said...

My mom and dad wound up in separate bedrooms due to marital difficulties. I never wanted a "semi-divorce" like that.

My wife has restless leg, and sometimes I wake up to her kicking. I just sit up, massage her legs a bit, then fall over asleep. Earlier in our marriage, I stood guard as she used the facilities a few times every night. She didn't have the best upbringing, and I figured it was my job to keep her 'safe'.

I miss her when we are apart, couldn't imagine sleeping in separate beds, much less rooms. Heck, I don't like going to work most days, she's my favourite human in the world!!

Take care....

Strings said...

Spoon and I share a bed. Point of fact, she HATES it when I'm away overnight. Despite my snoring.

Of course, that might partially be due to my cat's habit of repeatedly dropping small foam balls on her head when I'm not there... >:)

Julie said...

shared bed - hubby reckons I always pinch the doona, but as he snores I think we're about even :)

Wouldn't like to sleep in separate bed rooms at all ... I like having him there.

Steve said...

My wife and I sleep in the same bed, but I am sure we would sleep better in separate beds. Can do our own thing, get comfy in or own way, etc.

I think the symbolism of sleeping in a separate bed = marital problems keeps us from doing that.

My in-laws sleep in separate beds due to medical issues and comfort though.

Hope this helps.
Steve

Anonymous said...

My wife of eight years and I started in the same bed. She likes to roll up in the bedcovers and position herself diagonally, taking up the vast majority of even a king size bed. This led to separate beds in the same room after about two years. Then my snoring got worse (so she claimed) and I moved into another bedroom so we could both sleep in peace. Five years later, all is well.

I will admit that it seems weird, and I was initially reluctant to do it. Looking back, it works for us - we both sleep better and the intimacy factor doesn't seem to have suffered.

James

Jeremy said...

I have lived alone for so long, I am actually uncomfortable when someone is around for more than a few hours. If I ever find a decent gal and get married, I vote for separate houses. A connected duplex would be ideal. Does that make me an introvert? Or just weird?