Sunday, February 26, 2012

If Ron Paul becomes President . . .

. . . all sorts of problems may arise, according to a light-hearted and satirical article by Andrew Golden, writing at the wonderfully off-beat Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Here's an excerpt.


. . .

Stop 5: Aspinwall Avenue to Edgewood Street – Prone to long delays. Many former EPA employees lived in this area before the Agency was shut down. They continue to wander the streets, confused, asking people if they’ve seen any gray wolves around. They will cause traffic backups. They might get on the bus and ask if it goes to Chlorofluorocarbon Boulevard. Instruct the bus drivers to just say yes to any questions like this — it won’t matter what the driver says anyway. The cognitive functions of the EPA zombies no longer operate as a result of drinking trichloroethylene like it was f****** ginger ale since Inauguration Day to stay alive. Instead of paying the fare in our new currency of gold doubloons, they might try to pay with shredded slips of the Clean Water Act. To avoid even longer delays, instruct drivers to just take them.

Stop 6: Edgewood Street to The Eternal Gasoline Fire Pit Where the Interstate Used to Be – Inform the driver to use caution. He should start applying the brakes well before the edge of the pit is visible. If he waits until its flames enter his sight, it will be too late. The cannibal refugees from what was once South Dakota have booby-trapped its charred earthen ring. Do not stare into the abyss where the Wendy’s drive-thru once stood. Who could have foreseen that when an executive order closed the Department of Education a vortex would open into a 5th dimension land of mist and pain? The bus will be pulled into the molten hellfire, and the half-humanoid South Dakotans will feast on the desiccated flesh of each screaming soul unfortunate enough to be caught on the bus. Plus, the 11A will then be hopelessly behind schedule.

There's more at the link. Good for a laugh!