Marriage, and staying happily married

I've been reading two articles giving different perspectives on what it takes to marry happily, and stay that way. To my mind, speaking from many years of counseling experience, both fall more than a little short of the mark.

The first, in the Daily Mail, looks at what it calls 'the recipe for a happy marriage'.

Take four kisses, three cuddles and a few romantic nights in.

Add a two-year age gap, a couple of shared hobbies and a sprinkling of 'I love yous' and you have the formula to a long-lasting marriage.

Researchers came up with the vital ingredients after asking 3,000 married people the secrets of staying together.

Other important factors include meeting through friends and marrying after three-and-a-half years of courtship.

A groom who walks down the aisle at 31 and is two years and three months older than the bride is also a sign of happiness ahead.

Once married, the couple should say 'I love you' to each other at least once a day and have sex three times a week, the research found.

Two romantic meals out each month and three nights a week cuddling on the sofa also helps.

Three calls, emails or texts while at work keeps the relationship strong.

And while the ideal couple will share two hobbies, it is also important to keep some independence. Two separate nights out with friends a month is the answer.

Waiting two years and two months before having children also keeps romance alive.

A spokesman from confetti.co.uk, the wedding planning website which carried out the research, said:

''This shows just how many components make up the perfect marriage.

'And after the wedding hype is over, it shows how important it is to keep the magic with regular kisses, cuddles and romantic nights out.'

Hmm . . . anyone else see the problem? Yes, that's right. Reducing marriage to a list of 'so much of this, so much of that' isn't very realistic, is it? After all, it's whether you mean those things that counts! Actions can be empty indeed without meaning.

Many husbands (this seems to be particularly a male deficiency) have complained to me that they do, indeed, tell their wives they love them, frequently: but their wives universally complain that it's done in passing, hurriedly, while he rushes out to work, or goes off hunting, or joins 'the boys' at the bar. They insist - quite rightly, IMHO - that it's simply not good enough. The same applies in reverse, of course. After a hard day at work, or (for a stay-at-home mom) an equally hard (or harder) day managing rampaging kids, a wife often feels so drained that all she wants to do is collapse: then her husband comes home, complains about his hard day at the office, expects her to feed him royally, then wants her to make like Mata Hari in the bedroom. Er . . . guys? That red light you see flashing? It's not a symbol for wild sex - it's a sign that your wife's about to go medieval on your favorite backside. In a profoundly non-sexual way!

The second article is from the Sydney Morning Herald, and is titled 'Winning War With Bedroom Battles'.

If the latest survey of the sexual landscape is even close to accurate, most married people have mediocre sex lives, if they have one at all. Anyone who feels sexually underdone, underwhelmed, over it, deprived, bored, clapped-out or just quietly cosy should know that you are merely living a normal couple's life.

If, on the other hand, you have been married or cohabiting for more than four years and are still having plenty of sex (with your partner), you are in a minority.

All this, and more, is underlined in a book published today, The Sex Diaries, by Bettina Arndt, who has been a professional thorn in the side of feminist victimology for many years.

Her main point, supported by original research, is that the sexual desire of the majority of cohabiting women falls away by the time they are in their 30s, leaving most men adrift. To underscore the point, Arndt gives the book a pugnacious subtitle: "Why women go off sex and other bedroom battles."

. . .

Arndt has built her book around the diaries of 98 couples she recruited, ranging from people in their 20s to their 70s. All volunteered to keep a diary of their sex lives for six to nine months and send the updates to Arndt.

The results, patterns and conclusions are arranged in chapters with pungent titles like, "Get That Thing Away From Me" and "The World's Most Boring Affair".

. . .

By the end of The Sex Diaries, the reader is left in no doubt that the enemies of libido, especially for women, are numerous, enduring and accumulate over time - children, work, chemical changes, boredom, weight gain, menopause, erectile dysfunction and sheer sensual incompetence. It is a formidable array of barriers.

"The very idea of writing a sex diary was often greeted by mothers of young children with a wry laugh. `Sex? What is that again?' " Arndt writes.

But it is not just fatigue. Esther Perel wrote in Mating In Captivity (2006) that the arrival of a baby brings a redirection of a woman's physical energy and sensual gratification. Throw in postnatal depression, which is common, and the effects can linger for some time.

One of the male diarists, Russell, wrote: "Things became more and more trying - work loads, bills, normal domestic challenges, not to mention the bottomless wants of our two teenage kids. Sex was a non-event."

Another husband writes about his wife complaining that he was not as interested in her as he used to be: "Well, why not lose some weight? But I don't breathe a word of that or even imply by actions that she weighs one ounce more than she did when I married her."

So he tells Arndt, not his wife. Typical. Silence is the way most men deal with the death of lust in their wives. Not, however, if it is the other way round.

Arndt portrays the building anger of one young woman who "was one of 10 female diarists with notably stronger sex drives than their partners. Four of the 10 left their partners over the six to nine months during which the study was conducted. The numbers are too small for any real conclusion, but it was striking that these women took action when confronted with an unfulfilling sex life while so many of the male diarists were simply putting up and shutting up."

Chemistry is also cruel. The stage in a sexual relationship we call infatuation and lust has a clinical term, limerence, and it wears off. The brain chemicals that stimulate these feelings, notably dopamine and serotonin, tail off after a while with the same person, which suggests an innate tension between our sexual moral codes and our DNA.

What keeps chaos at bay is sexual fatigue. Dying desire also has something to do with technique, and there are plenty of diary extracts from men with no instinct for intimacy. As Arndt writes: "The grope. It features regularly in so many of the female diaries. Women complain about cringing when their partners cuddle and then hands wander uninvited across their bodies, touch their breasts, feel and fondle."

As the old joke goes: Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

I can imagine many men wincing (and many women nodding fervently) at that last quip!

Again, the problem is that this article (and, presumably, the book from which it quotes) looks at externals, rather than internals. So many of the problems encountered in intimate relationships stem from a breakdown in communication (or an outright failure - even a refusal - to communicate) that merely 'going through the motions' often adds fuel to the fire of dissatisfaction and resentment.

If I may, please allow me to share with you some advice I've given to couples that has usually worked to revitalize their relationships. It's not infallible - neither am I! - but I've found that if couples genuinely commit to these things, and seriously attempt them with each other, the results are generally very good. I'd be very interested to hear your feedback in Comments, whether agreeing or disagreeing with me.

First, I tell the couple that they should make a firm decision to abstain from sexual relations for a minimum of 30 days. That has to be mutual, and binding on both of them. Neither will ask for sex, or seek it, for the agreed period. (All too often, sadly, their immediate and enthusiastic consent isn't hard to obtain . . . )

Second, I ask them to think about what it was in their partner that attracted them in the first place. I ask each spouse to write down a list - a long, detailed list - of what he or she found interesting, a turn-on, etc. in the other. I also caution them that the old proverb, 'familiarity breeds contempt', is very true. As they've spent months, then years together, all too often they will have grown so accustomed to each other as to lose sight of these qualities. They may need time to remember them. For that reason, I tell them not to show each other their lists at first. They should take at least a week to ten days, and each day try to write down three attributes of their spouse that had a positive impact on them.

If those attributes have now disappeared or atrophied, they should note this too - but they should ask themselves how that happened. A classic example was one woman who wrote that her then-boyfriend's open-handed generosity attracted her very strongly, but that it had dried up soon after they were married. When confronted about this, her now-husband looked deeply hurt, and said, "But you never thanked me, you never showed much appreciation - I felt like I was being taken for granted!" His wife looked thunderstruck, but then tears came to her eyes, and she had the grace to admit that he was right. She'd continued to feel gratitude, but she'd grown so used to his generosity that she'd stopped showing it. That was the beginning of healing for them.

While they're making their lists, I ask each spouse to think of one thing each day - a different thing each day - they can do to please, or relax, or help their spouse, and surprise them with it. It can be as little as the husband doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen after supper, or giving his wife a foot massage when she's exhausted after a long day with the kids, or telling her to go to bed early if she's very tired, and he'll put the kids to bed. It can be her putting a note in his packed lunch telling him that she loves him, or taking extra trouble with his clothing in the closet or drawers. One woman I know spritzed her husband's shirts very lightly with a little of her favorite perfume, so that he could smell 'her' all day - and boy, did he get envious glances from his male colleagues at work the next day! He was delighted! She might arrange to have his car, or boat, or other prized possession professionally cleaned, as a surprise for him. There are all sorts of possibilities. I advise them to use their imaginations, and, if all else fails, ask their spouses for suggestions. The latter always works!

After a week to ten days, usually sitting down with me in a joint counseling session, I ask them to share their lists with each other. This can be a bit traumatic, as many of the qualities they initially found in one another may have become dormant, or have disappeared altogether. This is the time to ask why that happened, and to see whether those qualities are, in fact, still there. It may take more than one session to work through the issues thus raised: but at the end of that time, both spouses have a much clearer understanding of where their relationship has come from, and where it is now . . . and why.

The next step, the middle third of their period of sexual abstinence, is when I begin to work on what their marriage needs to flourish. I frequently hear from one or both partners that "I'm not getting out of this marriage what I expected/wanted/needed". To that, my instant response is, "Well, what are you putting into it?" The Golden Rule still applies, and it's universal. It never, ever fails. I'm often somewhat amused by the thunderstruck expression on people's faces as they realize that it really does work. As you give, so shall you receive. As you sow, so shall you reap. If you're 'giving' tiredness, negativity, stress, strain and depression, why are you surprised to receive the same things in return?

At this point, one or both spouses often says to me, "Hey, wait a minute! I/we have all this stress in our lives. We're working at the office, or slaving at home: when we come home at the end of the day, we have to spend time with the kids, supervise their homework, make supper, clean up, get the kids to bed, perhaps do some work in preparation for the next day . . . by the time we can catch our breath, it's late, and we have to sleep! How are we supposed to 'give' all this good stuff when we hardly have time to keep up with our responsibilities?"

My answer is always, "What comes first? What's most important to you?" If it's not your marriage, then, my friend, your relationship is in profound trouble! You come together as a couple to be there for one another, to be mutually supportive, to strengthen one another against 'the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' (as the Bard put it), to help one another, to provide your love as a mutual shield and bulwark when life gets tough. If you're not giving (and receiving) that, it's because you haven't invested enough in building up your marriage. Love and support and mutual caring are like money in a savings account. If you want to have something to draw on in the hard times, you'd better make sure to make regular deposits in the good times - otherwise it'll be empty when it's most needed. Marriage takes a lifetime of hard work and commitment. It doesn't just happen.

At this point, after talking through these issues, I usually advise the couple to take a weekend off together. They can give the kids to other family members for a weekend: or, if they don't have family to do that, I have a little network of other families I've helped in the same way, who volunteer their services to supervise kids so that parents can take the time they need together. I've even asked my volunteer couples to undergo police background checks, so that I can assure couples that their kids will be in safe hands, and they don't have to worry. That done, I send them off for a weekend - somewhere quiet and peaceful, not a casino! I ask them to continue to refrain from sex, but to use the time to talk. What do they want from one another? What are their expectations? What are they prepared to give, up front, in order to get this? What's their level of commitment? How has it changed from when they got married? Are they prepared to renew it, and re-dedicate themselves to making it work?

Very sadly, at this point, there are some couples who break up. They decide that the effort asked of them is too great, and they simply don't have the enthusiasm to give themselves to it as they should. I'm always deeply sorry about this . . . but for some people, it's reality. On the other hand, I'm very pleased to report that the vast majority of couples, having learned a lot about themselves and each other through previous stages of counseling, are prepared to at least partly commit themselves to making a go of it. They frequently come back from their weekend off with a new determination and will to succeed.

For the last third of the abstinence period, I ask them to begin to make a real, conscious effort to emphasize the positive and minimize the negative. If they have something to criticize in the other, let them first ask themselves, "Is this real, or am I reacting out of fatigue, or frustration, or irritation, caused by something else?" I ask them to actively seek out ways to compliment each other on something done well, or a good appearance, or anything for which they're grateful. I ask them to maintain a positive tone in their conversations, particularly in front of their kids, and if they have to argue about something, to stop before continuing, and say to themselves and each other, aloud: "This is my other half. I will not denigrate him/her, or run them down, or abuse them. If I do that, I hurt myself just as much as I hurt them. I'll try to be as adult and supportive as possible about this, recognizing that I may be in the wrong as well."

This is tough at first: but you'd be surprised how easy - and addictive! - it can become, with effort and practice. I usually find that after a week to ten days, the partners have a whole new regard for each other, born out of mutual honesty and forbearance. I also find that they frequently cheat on their period of abstinence, and end up sexually active once again before the time is up. At that, I frown darkly and threaten all sorts of dire consequences - and we have a good laugh together!

That last point is important. I emphasize to them that it's very important - vital! - to be able to laugh with and at each other, gently, lovingly, recognizing that each of them is an imperfect human being, and seeing the funny side of it. This can be hard, particularly for men - our pride is more rigid and easily hurt than that of women. Nevertheless, if both parties are prepared to make the effort, and learn to laugh together, all sorts of wonderful things happen. It's my personal belief that a shared sense of humor, and a willingness to laugh at life, is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship. In a couple of decades of counseling, I've seen nothing to make me change that opinion.

I also use this time to speak with them about what the sexual relationship in marriage really is. It's not there for wild nights, endless orgasms and playing with sex toys. Rather, it's the physical expression of a pre-existing mental and spiritual union. If the latter isn't present, isn't real, then sex becomes nothing more than empty mutual masturbation - pointless. When the latter is present and is real, sex becomes a living, breathing holiness between the partners, engendering new life and love every time they give themselves to each other. That's why we call it 'making love' - it really does make, or engender, new love, every time we do it, in the right way. I know that those of you who've experienced it will confirm: the difference between loveless sex and the 'act of marriage', shared in a profound love, is so monumental as to be almost indescribable.

I also point out the Biblical injunction about physical relationships (which applies equally to other aspects of marriage). It's found in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Pretty clear, isn't it? Neither spouse owns their own body - in marriage, they give it as a gift to their spouse, and receive from him or her the gift of his or her body in return. That's irrevocable. That also means that they have the right to each other in a sexual relationship, and it becomes an overriding principle to freely concede and give expression to that right. Of course, if that's done in a resentful, irritated manner, it'll kill the marriage. It's up to each of them to make their sexual relationship fun, expressive, intimate, and profoundly enjoyable. That takes hard work, too, and mutual caring, and constant consideration. It's not all fun and games - but it can end up that way, and will, if both parties are willing to invest themselves in it, not just their bodies.

Well, in a nutshell (leaving out a lot of the fiddly bits), that's my recipe for getting a marriage back on track. Of course, it's even better if the couple can understand all this before they marry, and commit to doing it right from the get-go. Such couples seldom hit the obstacles that others encounter.

What say you, readers? Based on those two articles, and my counseling suggestions, and your own experience, what works for you? What does it take to make a good, lasting, happy marriage? Let's hear from you in Comments!

Peter