More about saving a marriage in trouble

A few days ago I wrote about how I approach counseling a couple whose marriage is in trouble. I've had a fair amount of feedback about that, most via e-mail, from couples asking questions and seeking advice. Of course, since I'm not 'on the spot', I've had to decline requests for advice by e-mail or telephone. It's the kind of situation that demands closer involvement than that, after all!

However, a number of the questions focused on a couple's physical relationship. The respondents all complained that their sex lives had fallen into a rut, or become completely dormant. They wanted to know how to revive that aspect of their marriage. I'd like to offer a few thoughts about that, in general terms, in the hope that they'll help couples to begin open, frank discussions, and perhaps take the matter further.

First of all, our lives consist to an extraordinary degree of habits into which we've fallen. Think about it. What side of the bed do you sleep on? In what order do members of the family use the bathroom in the mornings? Do you always get dressed in a particular way? When you come home from work, what do you do - follow a similar routine each day, or take the late afternoon as it comes? When you go to bed, do you follow a time-worn routine of getting undressed, donning your pajamas, brushing your teeth, etc.? In a surprising number of ways, we are creatures of habit.

Our sex lives are no different. When the first flush of sexual excitement is on a relationship, sex is frequent and fun. However, it's very easy for us to allow the burdens of everyday life to close in around us, so that we relegate sex to times when we're not busy with other things, or when we're not too tired. However, guess what? Other things expand to fill our time. The couple becomes a threesome, then a foursome, as kids arrive; more work comes our way at our place of employment, demanding longer hours and producing greater stress and fatigue, as well as the need to perhaps take some work home with us; our budget becomes strained under the pressures of a consumer society . . . all these things build up, demanding more and more from us, eating into our peace of mind, allowing us less time for our spouses and children, and making us more willing to just fall asleep to get some peace and quiet when we finally get into bed.

Before long, sex becomes 'just another thing' to fit into an increasingly crowded day. This is aided, of course, by the simple reality that the first flush of romantic excitement and sexual desire will inevitably die down as a relationship matures. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the relationship: it simply means that both parties are broadening their focus from sex to every aspect of what makes their relationship work. They're spending more time on matters concerning work, finances, kids, etc. This is inevitable, of course.

Unfortunately, this also downplays the importance of sex. It's not the be-all and end-all of existence: but our human nature is, at its root, a fundamentally sexual nature. We're all born with sexual drives, appetites, needs and instincts. If we allow these to atrophy under the stress and pressure of other elements in our lives, we risk putting this essential aspect of our personalities 'on the shelf', ignoring it. Sex has been aptly described as 'the glue that holds relationships together'. If we stop applying that glue, there's that much less strength to our bond with one another - and when other pressures place great stress on that bond, and we need it to hold in order to sustain ourselves and each other, the lack of 'glue' may mean that it can fracture.

I've had to discuss this with many couples in counseling situations. Here's my 'recipe' for general use (which is, of course, tailored to the needs of each couple, depending on their circumstances).

1. Accept the reality that we're sexual beings, that our human nature is sexual in its fundamental essentials. It's important to recognize and allow for that in our interaction as a couple.
2. Accept that sex is the 'glue' that holds us together. If it's not frequent enough (and this will depend on the sex drive of each partner, both individually and collectively), or meaningful enough, or pleasant enough, that glue won't be applied nearly enough, and its absence will weaken the marriage bond.
3. That being the case, deal with other major problems first. It's no good trying to re-establish a sexual relationship if you've come to loathe each other! Get that right first, re-establish the love that brought you together in the first place, then work on the physical expression of that love. After all, as I mentioned in my first post, sex is the physical expression of a pre-existing mental and spiritual reality. If it's not that, if it's merely something physical, it becomes no more than mutual masturbation - pointless. The 'act of marriage' is, and is designed to be, an act of very genuine, meaningful union. It takes two to tango - no union exists for one person only.
4. Once the other problems are either solved, or well on their way to being solved, let's start re-building our sex lives. The way to do this is very simple, but amazingly difficult for some people to accept. It revolves around the fact that love is, more than anything else, a decison, an act of will, rather than an emotion. We choose, we decide, to love. That's why we make marriage vows rather than wishes! A vow is an act of the will, a deliberate commitment. The same applies to rebuilding a sexual relationship. It's part of our marriage: therefore, we must choose, must will, must decide to make it a priority.
5. Having made that decision, we must now put it into effect. That means making time for our sexual relationship. We simply must set aside a period of time during the day or evening when we are alone with and for each other, and use that time to make love. That's why we call it 'making love', after all! The act of marriage really does 'make' love: it engenders it, builds it up, fills us with it. That's the way the good Lord designed it!
6. We must also accept that if we're out of practice in anything, the only way to regain proficiency is regular, frequent practice. That means committing to regular, frequent sex as part of rebuilding our relationship. I often challenge couples who've come this far to commit to sex every single day (except during the woman's periods, if they so choose) for a minimum of 100 days. They often look at me in utter horror, and protest that they'll never find the time, or the privacy, or the motivation to do so. At this, I remind them of points 4 and 5 above, and emphasize that this is an essential part of rebuilding. They really need to make this a fundamental commitment. Most reluctantly concede . . . only to come back to me in due course, glowing happily, and confess that it really did work for them. It might have been a 'chore' at first, but soon they began to seek ways to make it more enjoyable for themselves and each other, to relax about it, to look forward to it. That's where I smile, and encourage them to continue to invest as much time and care as they can into that part of their relationship. It really does work, you know - if you let it.

I know I'm not alone in recommending daily sex as part of fixing a relationship. News reports have spoken of other pastors who've recommended the same thing, and a British newspaper, The Times, recently published an article about a couple who decided to follow this course on their own initiative. Their results were as encouraging as the couples I've counseled.

Another aspect of this is that many of us have become unfit, overweight, out of condition. It's easy to feel desire for a man or woman who looks like the epitome of sexiness and hormonal overload, as portrayed in the mass media. Unfortunately, many (most?) of us no longer look like that! It's worth the effort to try to get into as good a condition as possible, to be as attractive as possible to our partners. We're not doing it for ourselves: we're doing it for them. It's part of our duty to one another as married partners, isn't it? That should help motivate us. Sure, it'll take time: but if we do it together, and encourage each other, and reward one another's progress (in ways I'm sure I don't have to suggest to you!), we'll get there.

For those of you struggling with this problem, I strongly suggest that you read the article in The Times, and think about what I've said here and in my earlier post on the subject: then commit to discussing this with a counselor you both trust. Work through any other major problems first, then tackle the lack of sex in your relationship. Do those things, in that order, and I can almost guarantee you'll be delighted with the results!

For those of you who've just entered upon a romantic relationship, I urge you to think about these things up front, before you commit your lives to one another, and do your best to live them out from Day 1. If you do, you'll avoid many of the problems that you see in the couples around you.

Peter