Cheap flights, and the true costs thereof

Via Runway Girl, one of the correspondents' blogs on Flight Global, we learn of the hypothetical airline Thromby Air. Their Web site answers the question, "Just how low can a low-cost carrier go?"

For example, here's their Terms of Carriage:

1. Pay by weight: You will be weighed at check-in and charged according to your weight, including your clothes. The less you are wearing the cheaper your fare. Paper clothes available for a small fee. See our helpful hints page for tips on reducing your fare.

2. Packing Cylinder Option: our lowest fares require you to be loaded into a cylinder to facilitate high density passenger loading. Please arrive at the airport 15 minutes earlier than usual if you have selected this option. If you feel that the packing cyclinder size you have chosen is possibly too small (Best Selling Cheapskate Option), please arrive 60 minutes early and expect to be coated in oil to facilitate cylinder loading.

3. Fuel Surcharge: if you wish there to be fuel in the aeroplane, you will be charged an additional fee.

4. Toilet usage fee: Use of our excellent onboard restroom will incur a $75.00 fee. You may use the facilities at the airport prior to boarding (after ticket price weigh-in) - prices displayed at the door. (Note: Onboard restroom not available if you have chosen the Packing Cylinder option.)

5. Your luggage will be returned to you after your flight if you have paid the "luggage recovery surcharge."

6. You acknowledge that there are certain hazards associated with air travel.

7. Larger passengers are serviced by our FATASS system.

As the 'airline' charges by weight, they also include these helpful hints:

Thromby Air charges you for your ticket based on your weight. Here are some handy tips for reducing your ticket cost.

1. Shave before you fly. Everywhere.

2. Do not eat for 48 hours prior to checkin. Vending machines are available after ticket weigh-in (prices as marked).

3. Eliminate all body waste prior to checkin. Common sense, really.

4. Breathe helium prior to weigh-in.

More helpful advice (applicable, I'm sure, to most low-cost carriers) may be found at Thromby Air's Web site. Enjoy!

While on the subject of low-cost carriers, here's the British comedy trio Fascinating Aïda with their take on "Cheap Flights". (The song occupies the first 4m. 10s. of the video, and is followed by a couple of minutes of promotional material, which you can disregard if you wish.)

LANGUAGE ALERT: The F-word, somewhat modified, occurs frequently - but with great good humor!

Peter