Received this from reader D. N.
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Peter
#18: Yeah, I'm That Guy. Hey, I don't know which direction people will be coming from, and I figure "southwest corner of the intersection" should be nicely unambiguous.
ReplyDeleteHehe! Good ones.
ReplyDelete#3 is missing a couple words
#9 I thought list socks came back as broken wire hangers? 😜😂
@Jonathan H: I found another source with the missing words. Thanks for the heads-up.
ReplyDelete#6: Oh, yeah.
ReplyDelete#9: There used to be a comedy group named Duck's Breath Mystery Theater, who had a recurring "Ask Dr. Science" column in which they'd answer such questions as, "Can you fish in the jet stream?" In one of them, Dr. Science explained that socks that were lost in the dryer went through a dimensional warp and came back as pigeons, which also explained why you never saw baby pigeons.