A friend sent me this preview of what appears to be an utterly ghastly movie called "Deathbone". Yes, it really exists!
After washing out my eyes, a thought occurred to me. I'm sure my readers know of other such movie schlock out there - movies so bad, so inept, so ridiculous, that they deserve to be remembered. If you can think of similar cinematic monstrosities, please post their names (and, if possible, a link to their trailers/previews) in Comments below. I'll pick out the best of them and publish them here over a few days, so we can all enjoy (?) them.
Peter
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mtZhx2f9dUg&pp=ygUYU2F2YWdlIHZlbmdlYW5jZSB0cmFpbGVy
ReplyDeleteAn unauthorized sequel to the classic "I Spit On Your Grave." The dumbass filmmakers didn't even spell the title correctly.
Manos: The Hands of Fate
ReplyDeletehttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sF03ZFt8t8w&pp=ygUXbWFub3MgdGhlIGhhbmRzIG9mIGZhdGU%3D
Both the original and MST3K versions are on youtube.
From Wikipedia - the grandaddy of them all:
ReplyDeletePlan 9 from Outer Space played on television in relative obscurity from 1961 until 1980, when authors Harry Medved and Michael Medved dubbed it the "worst film ever made" in their book The Golden Turkey Awards. Wood and his film were posthumously given two Golden Turkey Awards for Worst Director Ever and Worst Film Ever. It has since been called "the epitome of so-bad-it's-good cinema" and gained a large cult following.
Second place? Tommy Wiseau's The Room, so bad it's legendary.
I'd also recommend searching for "so bad it's good movies", to find lists like
The 15 Most Beloved So-Bad-They're-Good Movies.
The original "Surf Nazis Must Die" comes to mind, the one with Ray Milland and James Macarthur. Which, interestingly, does not show up in IMDB. That's perfectly understandable, though, it was so bad when a friend watched it once during a bout of insomnia his TV never worked right afterward.
ReplyDeleteThe birdcrap on the sandwich scene in that movie was classic :)
DeleteLet's defer to the experts over at Rifftrax and Mystery Science Theater 3000, they have decades of experience mocking bad movies. I submit Disney Star Wars and Disney Marvel as the worst modern movies made with serious budgets.
ReplyDeleteThis one comes to mind. This was John Landis' debut as a director. He also played the monster in the film.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4ADsQs1hjU
Umm... I'll pass... LOL MST3K did all those back in the day, sigh
ReplyDeleteOkay, SRS purposely puts out schlock. As a riff on whatever they want. Good for them. And there's 3 Deathbone movies.
ReplyDeleteThough there's "Star Odyssey" which was a blatant rip-off of Star Wars. A really bad ripoff. Seriously really bad ripoff.
"The Sword and the Sorcerer" is another really really bad movie. A three-bladed sword where the the 2 smaller swords fire like those Russian Spetznaz daggers. God aweful. Actually walked out of that one.
The Queens Corgi
ReplyDelete"Night of the Lepus," a horror movie about a town invaded by giant rabbits: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_of_the_Lepus
ReplyDeleteThis is a target rich environment, but I'm going to get this in before anyone else does: "Exterminator City".
ReplyDeleteInstead of putting in a link to the trailer, I'm going to put in a link to the robot sword fight scene:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMhgzB1mUMo
==Dwight
Savages from Hell
ReplyDeletePretty much a Z minus biker flick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bi8MAKqAUSk
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, use to be considered worst ever
ReplyDeleteI grew up in the Cleveland broadcast area in an era when there were two UHF channels and both had monster movie hosts. Saw a LOT of really bad horror/monster movies in consequence. FEARLESS FRANK was proof of my theory that surrealism in a narrative form is tolerable for five pages of five minutes, whichever comes first.
ReplyDeleteAlso saw a wide range of classic thriller/comedy films like ARSENIC AND OLD LACE, and HOW TO MURDER A RICH UNCLE.
But more grade Z; REPTILICUS , GODZILLA VS THE SMOG MONSTER, THE KILLER SHREWS,
As a man of God, you should (not) see Velocipastor.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.imdb.com/title/tt1843303/
Laserblast comes close, but is just bad.
ReplyDeletehttps://archive.org/details/y-2-mate.is-laserblast-1978-0-pymrt-u-7t-po-1080p-1636574507031
A subject near and dear to my heart:
ReplyDeleteNetflix has "Kung Fu Wizard of Jesus" - two movies, one is 7 minutes long the other is 4 minutes. Clearly shot on his iPhone in his backyard, it is so bad that it is fun to watch! But I cannot give you back that time. Sorry.
LLamagedon - subtitled "Killer Llamas from Space". A Llama lands and starts slaughtering people with its laser eyes. Watch for something the main character does in every scene. Once you figure it out watch the credits and you'll see it goes the entire movie: they rerun the entire movie at high speed!
Killer Sofa - it's actually about a lazy-boy style chair, but who really cares?
Killer Donuts - kind of like Killer Tomatoes, but sweeter! At one point, you even get to see their fangs, and they are really cute.
Velocipastor - a little too good for this list, but still pretty awful. A young pastor and his girlfriend (a hooker taking three majors at Harvard) take on a Ninja Army (with about 5 people and a tent). The Pastor turns into a ***you guessed it*** Halloween suit Velociraptor, and the Ninja Army well... isn't up to the task.
During Covid my wife and I would compete to find the worst movies we could find, and these are some of our favorites - although to be honest she still hasn't forgiven me for Kung Fu Wizard of Jesus.
Nothing beats the pure schlock of MegaForce!!
ReplyDeleteRetRsvMike
https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0084316/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk
I like to watch old sci-fi movies. One in, I don't know, 50 turns to be a good one.
ReplyDeleteThere have been a couple so bad that I stopped watching early on. Not even fast forwarding helped.
I will try to remember titles.
The first title I remembered was "The Giant Claw"
A Polish Vampire in Burbank, from 1983.
ReplyDelete"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" or "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death" should qualify.
ReplyDeleteI actually likeAttack of the Killer Tomatoes and can probably quote the whole movie. I even know what two short interstitials were lost or removed between the BetaMax and DVD editions.
ReplyDeleteI would nominate "Star Crash". It even has all the acting talent of the late Lyle Alzado, who played for the Raiders, and a robot with a Texas accent.
> A three-bladed sword where the the 2 smaller swords fire like those Russian Spetznaz daggers.
I thought that was Krull, which I saw in theaters and wanted my money back. Although that one had a bladed throwing star, so maybe you're right, so I'll second it.
The worst movie I have ever seen in my life, quite possibly the worst movie of all time....
ReplyDeleteJesus Christ, Vampire Hunter.
Why yes, it is a musical, thank you for asking.
https://youtu.be/4LRIypcaIX4
As a hardcore science fiction reader/film viewer, no question in my book: Screamers (1995). It is a poorly adapted film from the short story "Second Variety" written by Phillip K Dick. Most of Dick's film adaptations have been great (Bladerunner, Minority Report, Paycheck) or good at least (Total Recall - both versions).
ReplyDeleteScreamers was so hideously bad that Dick's estate should sue the creators of the film and take a contract out on the screen writer. Oh, another good level film of a Phillip K Dick idea that was poached was "The Truman Show," which had Dick's ideas all over it, but he got no credit as the ideas for Truman were taken from several of his stories.
Looks like dumb white twits, trying to out-Bollywood Bollywood.... Oy.
ReplyDeleteHow about "Lets Kill Uncle", complete with judo and a shark in the pool.
ReplyDeleteStoryteller
If you're looking for commentary on older, bad (or vintage) sci-fi, check out Svengoolie. He's got good taste -- some of the movies aren't so much bad as they are primitive, limited by the FX and cinematography of the era. Still interesting.
ReplyDeleteMy nomination for 'just bad' is Hobgoblins. Oh lord, Hobgoblins. It really has to be seen to be believed.
For 'So Bad It's Good', a movie that's somehow watchable despite flaws? The 90's Street Fighter live-action movie, with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia. Julia actually elevates this movie from garbage to a near-cult classic, and he's arguably the best thing in the film as he devours the scenery.
"But for me, it was Tuesday."
I go back a half century for a couple of films by Jerry Gross. They were on a double bill at the college Friday-night movies put on by one or another of the student groups.
ReplyDeleteI Eat Your Skin and I Drink Your Blood. We left after the first movie. We were hungry. :)
RCPete
“Master of the Flying Guillotine” is the worst martial arts movie ever - although it has a lot of competition
ReplyDeleteABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. ZOMBIES (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2246549/?ref_=tt_mv_close) - It's a picture from "The Asylum" production company, who make knock-offs of better films. Bill Oberst as Lincoln is the best thing in the movie, but some of the technical errors are laughable. I sort of enjoyed it. I would've been better after some adult beverages.
ReplyDeleteDEAD HEAT (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094961/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_8_nm_0_q_DEAD%2520heat) - Definitely a B-movie, but a fun one. Joe Piscopo and the late Treat Williams investigate a string of violent robberies committed by dead people! Surprisingly good cast, and some good makeup work. One of the great Vincent Price's last films and a late film in the career of the late, legendary Darrin ("Kolchak") McGavin. It's also a snapshot of late-80s Los Angeles...back when it was a fun place.
Anything by Neil Breen makes The Room look like high art. For me the absolutely worst movie I've seen is Teenage Caveman(2002) which makes anything by Neil Breen look competently plotted.
ReplyDeleteI once made the mistake of watching Velocipastor, where a Catholic priest turns into a velociraptor when he gets angry and makes it his life mission to destroy the secret group that tries to destroy him.
ReplyDeleteThe effects, or rather lack thereof, are the worst I've ever seen - as well as a poorly thought out and implausible plot line!
In the mid-80s, the base theater at Camp Lejeune had a weekly feature.
ReplyDeleteSometimes first-run flicks; sometimes worst-run flicks.
One such latter, so bad I can't even find it mentioned on the internet(!), was some piece of offal titled Sea Tigers.
Foreign-made (Dutch? Danish?) and dubbed into English, it had everything: action, adventure, pirates, chases, escapes, stunts, drama, comedy, suspense...all abysmally bad.
Once you paid your three bucks or so, you were in for the duration, and it got you out of the barracks for a couple of hours, but by twenty minutes into this horrendous piece of crapola, everyone in the audience was roasting this stinker, out loud, from all over the theater, with a stream of non-stop commentary that left blisters on the screen. It was like being at a live performance of Mystery Science Theater 3000, crossed with any act ever panned live for Showtime At The Apollo.
The roast was worth far more than the price of the movie, and the wisacres in the audience could have written a better script than whatever lackwit talentless hack horked up this monstrous ball of phlegm and put it on the screen.
We laughed about it for days afterwards, and encouraged the uninitiated to "go see it!", just to hear their howls afterwards.
We couldn't, by any stretch of imagination, figure out what genius had ever asked for such a colossal piece of pure cinematic garbage be sent to the base theater, and our biggest regret was that the guy who ordered it wasn't treated like the Carol Burnette Show: shot in front of a live audience.
I would pay cash money to find a copy of this monumental piece of dung, if only to share it with future generations under the heading of "Most Awful Movies In Earth's Entire History".
I watched the first part of this movie last night. It is surprisingly good. Low budget and intentionally over the top. The hero looks worse than me in a furry breech cloth, which anyone who knows me you will tell you, is not a pretty sight. Many giggles.
ReplyDeleteHey Peter;
ReplyDeleteThe one for me was "Young Einstein" with a guy named "Yahoo Serious". I saw it at an AAFES Theater in Germany, I already had low expectations because it was AAFES but this was soo bad, I went through half of the movie and asked for my money back. i think it was .50 Cents. Even now after all this time, it was the worst turkey I ever saw.
Cannot believe no one has mentioned that classic arc of (five if I recall correctly) masterpieces of the made for TV Sharknado movies.
ReplyDeleteHas everything: love, hate, violence, gore, super heroes and heroines. All about airborne fish.
Street Trash. Don't remember when it came out, 80's I believe. Simply horrible on many levels. Watched it repeatedly...
ReplyDelete"Street Trash" was an intentionally campy horror comedy.
ReplyDeleteJack Palance in 'Hawk the Slayer' https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080846/
ReplyDeleteSurprised that no one mentioned "Giant Robot". Classic silly / badly made movie with plot holes the U.S.S. Enterprise ( the carrier not the starship ) could easily fit through sideways!
ReplyDeleteLoved it when I was 9 years old and watched it recently on some streaming channel and nearly lost my drink and food at how bad it was. Of course I knew that it was bad....but wow!
My Great Uncle was in 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' and 'The Beast of Yucca Flats'. I don't need any more bad movies, but I do maintain Yucca plants in the back garden in memory.
ReplyDeleteI nominate Interiors by Woody Allen. He was channeling Ingmar Bergman so a talky depressing downer of a movie, when you were expecting something like Sleeper, Bananas, or Love and Death.....
ReplyDeleteThe Valley of Gwanji. It has dinosaurs, midgets, and cowboys. I do not recommend Poultrygeist, lots of nudity and it's a musical...
ReplyDeleteI don't recall the name, but there's a movie about a sentient tire rolling across the land, making both animals and human heads explode simply by the power of its' mind.
ReplyDeleteAnon 4:16 brought up another memory nominee:
ReplyDeleteThe Terror Of Tiny Town
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTcHza--nVs
@noveske's Rock
ReplyDelete“Master of the Flying Guillotine” is my favorite movie ever. I first saw that movie 37 years ago at 2am on a Monday morning. I missing being able to function on 2 hours' sleep...