A tip o' the hat to reader Mickey S., who made me laugh by e-mailing me the following list.
THE SIX LAWS OF ITALIAN CAR OWNERSHIP
As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that, from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of Physics. Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Six Laws of Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners' dependency on sorcerers and prayer, to keep such cars running. Careless application of these laws to any individual auto may fix the problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners.
1) THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER
"The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas, shall be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods shall self-destruct at red-line plus 1.0 rpm due to a basic lack of strength."
(An example of this Law is the stunningly beautiful Lamborghini or Ferrari V-12's of the late '60's. They were famous for wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cam's metal appeared to be recycled coat-hangers, which coincidentally are still in short supply in Italy.)
2) THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS
"All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although there may be an out-of-focus picture shown."
(It goes without saying that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest the natural balance of the car be upset.)
3) THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS
"All Italian Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a cross-eyed, color-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within reach. All wires shall change color-code at least once between energy source and component. All grounds shall be partially insulated."
(This tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will differ from all others in at least one area.)
4) THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE
"The more an Italian auto breaks down, the more endearing it becomes to its increasingly irrational owner."
(For example, you purchase an Italian sports car, paying all the money you ever hoped to earn, and receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves, cures the smoking: but now the engine sounds like a food processor full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car, including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes - to be replaced by an odor reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You still keep trying, God help you.)
5) THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS
"All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that is available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life."
(Thus, the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars. Such parts will be back-ordered during the design phase of the car, and will remain so forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored.)
6) THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS
"Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or operations of an Italian sports car, shall be written such that every fourth word is incomprehensible to the average American. In the event that a random sentence is understandable, its information shall be wrong."
(This is also known as flat-tire English, where a sentence flows along nicely, then - Kaboom!)
Peter
5 comments:
Fix It Again Tony.
For a minute there i thought I was reading about British motorcycles....
I have always lusted after Ferraris, particularly the ones of the 80s and 90s, which were extant when I was coming of age. The Testarossa, 348, etc.
Not long ago I checked eBay Motors to see the prices of such vehicles. Surprisingly, some of them were well within my financial reach. Not the astonishingly beautiful Testarossa or the tremendous F40, but the more pedestrian Ferraris, such as the 348, the Mondial, and the 308/328s. It was like discovering a slightly older supermodel in your neighborhood. Slightly past her prime, but still gorgeous, single, and you think you have a shot.
Then I looked into the maintenance requirements. If you are unaware of these, look into the Ferrari "Minor Service" and "Major Service." Well, turns out that supermodel still has a taste for designer handbags and expensive vacations. Every 15,000 miles or so you'd be needing to do MAJOR work to one of these pasta rockets.
So much for that dream.
Oh, and Peter, I don't remember if you ever made note of it, but it was not long ago that a young man sold all his earthly possessions, and invested the remaining $90,000 or so into a Lamborghini Gallardo (it would have amounted to about a down payment) and drove it cross country. Well, he didn't keep up with the maintenance, and 90K miles later, he needs some rather extensive engine work (IIRC, it was about $40,000 worth). So he had a massive car payment, an unusuable exotic, and nothing else.
Dude could have bought a Porsche 911 outright for that money and he'd have had just as good a time.
http://jalopnik.com/#!5559767/i-sold-everything-to-buy-a-lamborghini-and-drive-across-the-country
Fiat Abarth... been there, done that; GAVE the car away... And that was IN Italy.
My secret fancy car lust is for something only marginally more reliable: A 1980's Jaguar Series III XJ12 in British Racing Green. I'd be spending all my time under the hood trying to keep the thing in tune, but it'd be so worth it.
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