A new light on fitness reports

Those of us who've served in armed forces around the world will be familiar with so-called 'fitness reports', the assessment of our performance compiled by our superior officers which could have so much effect on our promotion and career paths.

A friend, Mike W., has e-mailed me a list of (alleged) entries from US and British Navy fitness reports that are not only side-splittingly funny, but a very accurate reflection of some of the folks he and I knew during our respective periods in service. Here they are.

• "This officer's presence aboard my ship is depriving some village of its idiot."
• "This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere."
• "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
• "When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny. Since then he has aged considerably."
• "Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."
• "She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
• "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
• "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
• "A room temperature IQ."
• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
• "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
• "He has a photographic memory, but his lens cover is permanently glued in the closed position."
• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
• "Bright as Alaska in December."
• "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
• "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
• "Fell out of the family tree."
• "The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
• "He has two brains. One is lost, and the other is out looking for it."
• "He's so dense, light bends around him."
• "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
• "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
• "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. He only gargled."
• "It takes him an hour and a half to watch '60 minutes'."
• "He was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
• "This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be."
• "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
• "He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction."
• "Technically sound, but socially impossible."
• "He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age."
• "This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

Peter