In honor of the Conclave, opening in Rome today...

 

... here's a suggestion from Matt, cartoonist at the Daily Telegraph.

Peter

Yes, laughter is the best medicine

 

Those of us old farts who remember the Pink Panther movies will recall with glee the constant battles between Chief Inspector Dreyfus and Inspector Clouseau.

Here's a compilation of most of their to-ings and fro-ings - not all, but some of the best.  It had me laughing out loud at several points.

I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

Peter

Just to prove that veterans haven't forgotten their military crankiness...

 

... here's a short movie for Veterans Day.

Peter

An official Twitter feed that's worth a visit - and a laugh

 

If you've never come across it before, the National Park Service's Twitter feed is worth reading for the humor alone.  Whoever runs it has a snarky mind that's right up my street.  Examples:

Did you know if you hold an ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by an ermine?

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options.

Always hike with proper supplies and equipment. Remember, flippy floppies may lead to slippy sloppies.

One day you’ll find someone obsessed with you. It’s probably going to be a squirrel.

Just remember, jumping on a bison and yelling “yip yip” will not make it fly. But you will.

The best way to stay safe around wildlife is give them room to move. Do not feed, touch, tease, frighten, or intentionally disturb wildlife. Remember that wildlife in parks are wild and like your ex, can be unpredictable when they’re disturbed or surprised.

There are many more at the link.  Enjoy!

Peter

A conundrum for my readers

 

Way back when in high school, I was a member of the debating society.  We had the usual formal debates, plus some rather informal ones where nonsense motions were debated, usually to screams of laughter and much applause.  They were a lot of fun.

I was reminded of one of them by an e-mail from an old friend yesterday.  He reminded me of a debate in which I participated, the topic of which was:  "Should one sit face-to-face, or back-to-back, or facing in the same direction, when sharing a bath?"  Bathing etiquette (if there is such a thing) came in for heavy discussion, as did many innuendos about avoiding the plughole, what to do with the hot and cold faucets, and so on.  I argued for the face-to-face side, but I don't recall whether my team won or not.  (In my defense, it was more than 50 years ago!)  I seem to remember that biology, zoology, theology, philosophy and anatomy all featured in the arguments.

Please note that sex did not rear its ugly head, so to speak.  This was, after all, a long time ago in a much more straight-laced country than the USA.  It was all theoretical, so to speak - not prudish, but definitely not down and dirty.  (Well, being in a bath, the latter was unlikely, but you know what I mean!)  The only chemistry discussed was of the soap-bubble variety.

So, on a whim, I thought I'd throw open the subject to my readers.  Should one sit face-to-face, or back-to-back, or facing in the same direction, when sharing a bath?  You tell us in Comments (keeping it clean, of course, at least in the figurative sense!), and we'll respond as we feel appropriate (or not, as the case may be).  Have at it!

Peter

Headline of the week

 

From The Guardian in the UK:

Missing monkey trapped by yorkshire pudding in Scotland

I did a double-take when I read that, imagining a sentient animal-trapping Yorkshire pudding sneaking up on an unsuspecting simian.  Turns out it was simpler than that.

Two pebbly droppings deposited on her patio are all that Stephanie Bunyan has to remind her of Thursday morning’s celebrity guest. Honshu the missing macaque was finally captured in Bunyan’s garden after five days and four nights on the run and after drone search technology was rendered useless by blustery weather. In the end, it was the yorkshire pudding that got him.

Bunyan likes to drink her morning coffee looking out on to her peaceful terraced garden, which is decorated with tinkling wind chimes and boasts an array of bird feeders.

There were peanuts in the feeders but on Wednesday night she put out some leftover yorkshire pudding. In the morning it was gone. And just after 10am “there he was at the top of the steps, looking in the window”.

The desire to capture her visitor on camera was powerful but she knew she had to get hold of Highland wildlife park straight away. Within 10 minutes of her call to its dedicated monkey hotline, the search drone operators had arrived, and minutes later the park keepers.

By then the macaque was hopping back and forth off the low roof of her sun room and playing in the gutters. It took some time for the rangers to line up their desired tranquilliser dart shot – when one attempt failed, the macaque “bit it and threw it away”, Bunyan said.

But the next shot was true and the doped monkey was whisked away for examination by the park’s vet.

There's more at the link.

I still think a sentient, predatory Yorkshire pudding would have been more fun . . . something like the Goon Show's 1955 "International Christmas Pudding" episode!

Peter

Heh

 

From Jennie Breeden and her "The Devil's Panties" comic.  Click the image to be taken to a larger version at the comic's Web page.

It's one of the Web comics I follow daily.  Ms. Breeden has an off-beat sense of humor that sometimes tickles my funny-bone.  Recommended.

Peter

There's more to the generation gap than meats the eye...

 

This advertisement for Australian lamb made me laugh.

Now let's see the Great Plains Bison Edition!

Peter

A public service reminder... sort of

 

Peter

A blast from the advertising past

 

I know I posted this some years ago, but it still makes me laugh.  Here's the famous EDS "cat herding" commercial.

Peter

Heh

 

Shamelessly stolen from Kim du Toit, because it made me laugh out loud:

When a fly falls into a cup of coffee:

• Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
• German – tosses out the coffee, carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
• Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
• Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
• Russian – drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
• Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
• Hamas Terrorist – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinians so there will be peace.

Peter

Vintage 1960's comedy - still as funny as ever

 

A comedy stage revue called "Beyond The Fringe" debuted at the 1960 Edinburgh Festival.  It featured Alan Bennett, Peter Cook, Jonathan Miller and Dudley Moore, and was a smash hit, touring Britain and then coming to Broadway in New York City.  It followed in the footsteps of earlier British radio comedy shows such as The Goon Show and Hancock's Half Hour, and predated later shows such as Monty Python and I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again.

The sketches in Beyond The Fringe are often very funny, in a warped, twisted British humor sort of way.  I grew up on that sort of humor, so I enjoy them very much.  I thought I'd inflict a few of them on you this week, so that you could share my suffering enjoyment.

Here's Dudley Moore and Peter Cook in their classic sketch "One Leg Too Few".

Gigglesnort!

Peter

Social media, not in a nutshell...

 

Found on MeWe via user Niko Depofi:

Q: How many Facebook group members does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.

3 to say "can't share"

2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

True dat!

Peter

Unforeseen?

 

Yesterday's "Pearls Before Swine" strip had me laughing.  Click the image to be taken to a larger view at the cartoon's Web page.

It reminded me of the credulous among us, those who believe in what their stars foretell, or what their biorhythms forecast, or what a fortune-teller predicts for them, or even in the veracity of Chinese fortune cookies.  Why they bother, I have no idea, and I don't think they do either.  It's just more comforting for them to believe such nonsense.  There are an astonishingly large proportion of them amongst us, too.

I - and, I'm sure, many others who've learned in the "School of Hard Knocks" or the "University of Life" - understand that life is going to happen to you whether you like it or not.  No matter how well you educate and prepare yourself, the unexpected is going to arrive sooner or later, and pitchfork you into a situation you could not have predicted and can't control.  Even worse, if it's something you did predict and prepare for, you may still find that it's too big to handle.  I've seen at first hand how a well-trained and -prepared military unit can still run headlong into something it can't handle, and be trounced by the enemy with massive casualties, to the point that it disintegrates and ceases to exist as an effective, organized formation.  They did all they could to be ready . . . but it wasn't enough, and what they ran into was even better prepared and equipped and motivated and trained and ready than they were.

Life happens.  You can't foretell what's coming, and you can't control it beyond in the most general sense (i.e. you can prepare to survive starvation by moving to where there's plenty of food, but you may still eat spoiled or poisoned food that will kill you as surely as starvation).  God never promised us a life of ease and comfort.  He only promised us grace to cope with life.  Big difference.

Oh - and don't bother to pay a fortune-teller to predict your future.  Waste of time and money.  If you really want to do that, pay me instead.  I'll write a nice fictional prediction for you that won't come true, but will be as useful to you as a charlatan's pretensions - and even more comforting.

Peter

(EDITED TO ADD:  As if on cue, here's a newspaper headline I read just a few minutes ago, less than ten minutes after this article was published:  "Fake psychic faces up to 280 years in prison for defrauding elderly Americans in $175M scheme".)

Quote of the day

 

On a Reddit thread titled "TIL That Historians Believe Cats Domesticated Themselves", commenter ms_horseshoe wrote:

If it weren't for cats, we wouldn't have boxes.

That kicked over my giggle-box.  Considering how our cats fight over who's going to be "king of the castle box" when we put one down on the floor, she may have a point!

Peter

A military Twelve Days of Christmas

 

Received via e-mail, from one of my military readers.

Subject: DoD's Twelve Days of Christmas

The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas.

Status of acquisitions follows:

Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDepsTank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked offshore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty.

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 2017.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

I wonder if we can export that to Ukraine as military assistance?

Peter

American land-based versions of "Boaty McBoatface"?

 

A few years ago, Britain's Natural Environment Research Council announced a competition to name a new research vessel.  Given the sense of humor of the British public, it was perhaps not surprising that the winner - by a very large margin - was "Boaty McBoatface".  Horrified at such unseemly (and un-bureaucratic) levity, the Council stiffly announced that the ship would be christened David Attenborough, but in recognition of public opinion, one of its remotely controlled submersible vehicles would be named according to the popular poll.  Wikipedia notes:  "Observers of contemporary culture coined the term 'McBoatfacing', defined as 'making the critical mistake of letting the internet decide things'."

One suspects the Ohio Turnpike Commission might have had that example in mind when they announced the winners of their second annual "Name-a-snowplow" competition.

Eight of the snow plows clearing the Ohio Turnpike this winter now have a bit of unique character.

The Ohio Turnpike Commission on Friday announced the eight winners in its second annual Name-a-Snowplow contest. Here they are:

• Ctrl-Salt-Delete by Nicole G.
• Blizzard Wizard by Jacqueline F.
• Plow Chicka Plow Wow by Joshua K.
• You’re Killin’ Me Squalls by Linda V.
• The Big LePlowski by Matthew S.
• The Blizzard of Oz by Annette B.
• Ohio Thaw Enforcement by Jonathan H.
• Clearopathtra by Samantha S.

There's more at the link.  Those who submitted the winning names will receive a $100 gift card.

Good on the Turnpike Authority for letting the public join in the fun, and for selecting amusing names that will make people smile.  There's all too little of that from ponderous public authorities these days.

Peter

"BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ORANGUTAN?"

 

I laughed out loud while reading an account of an innocent academic, thrust headlong into the sturm und drang of theoretical debate over Edgar Allan Poe's horror stories and whether they're racist or not.  It's a series of screenshots captured by an Imgur user, so I can't transcribe them all here;  you'll have to click over there to read it.  Here's a brief sample.

so my professor sits down to watch this panel and within like five minutes a bunch of crusty academics get super heated about poe's theoretical racism.  because it's academia, though, this is limited to poorly concealed passive aggression and forceful tones of inside voice.  one professor is like "this isn't even about race!" and another professor is like "this proves he's a racist!"  people are interrupting each other.  tensions are rising.  a panelist starts saying that poe is like writing a critique of how racist society was, and the racist stuff is there to prove that racism is stupid, and that on a metaphorical level the racist philosophy always loses -

then my professor, perhaps in a bid to prove that he too is a smart literature person, loudly calls:  "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ORANGUTAN?"

There's more at the link.  Click over there for a very amusing portrayal of "much ado about nothing" - academic version.

Peter

A movie mash-up that made me laugh out loud

 

I found this on MeWe last night.  Let's see how many of my readers are movie buffs, and old enough to connect both pictures and see why they're funny together.  (Click the image for a larger view.)

If you don't know or can't guess the source scenes, see here and here for the short versions, a few seconds long:  here and here for the longer ones.

Peter

What a great idea! Let's all re-identify our finances!

 

I had to laugh while reading Howie Carr's latest suggestion.

I know a guy in Billerica who, like most people, has grown weary of making the monthly mortgage payments on his house for decades.

But last week he emailed me some very good news, which may make his life a lot easier.

“My home mortgage has decided to self-identify as a student loan,” he said. “You know what that means? I will no longer have to pay it — ever!”

This is marvelous news, and I predict that “transitioning” all debt into student loans is going to be the next big thing in the equity racket.

I mean, if a guy can suddenly “self-identify” as a woman, then why can’t a past-due bill self-identify into a category where it doesn’t ever have to be repaid?

Personally, after studying my rather hefty recent credit-card statements, I’m beginning to “groom” my Visa bill to become a student loan — thus, I can claim “forbearance,” and suffer no “accrual” of interest payments.

Hey, what’s good for the queer-studies major should likewise be good for a taxpayer with two jobs, right? Surely the equal-protection clause of the 14th Amendment extends to debtors.

All deadbeats equal under the bankruptcy law.

If these goldbricking losers who owe over a trillion dollars in unpaid student loans don’t have to pay back the money they owe, why can’t an electrician tired of making payments on his F-150 simply “transition” the payment on his pickup into a … student loan?

Which he would then never have to repay.

Property taxes, credit lines, condo fees, alimony, child support, library fines, anything — why can’t normal people seek “bill reassignment surgery” and live large on the arm, like an illegal alien or a Democrat?

. . .

The same folks outraged by “Don’t Say Gay” have no problem whatsoever with “Don’t Say Pay.”

There's more at the link.

The only problem with Mr. Carr's suggestion is that student loan suspensions - and, possibly, forgiveness - are paid for by the US taxpayer.  If we all have to shoulder an even greater burden to pay off all the other "re-identified" loans, we may as well declare the Republic bankrupt right now, and stop paying our taxes as well.  It'll come to the same thing in the end.

Still, it's a tempting thought . . .

Peter