Another blast from the past, following yesterday's officer reviews - an explanation of how a number of major Christian denominations would handle the task of changing a lightbulb, and the theology behind it.
Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on - OR - Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: CHANGE???????
Q: How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
Q: How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
Q: How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles.
Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
Q: How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement of either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.
I'm sure readers know others in the same vein. Let us know in Comments.
Peter
15 comments:
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one - she holds the light bulb in place and then the world revolves around her.
How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, they keep being sent to another parish by the Bishop...
Actually, the joke version by Maniac (above) also has the same answer as for "how many worship leaders ..."
Also United Methodists:
We affirm that this is not the only light-bulb that needs changing. If you have changed your own light-bulb, you should also feel a desire to go help other people change their light-bulbs, too. The reverse is also true - you cannot help other people change light-bulbs if your own has not been changed.
There are three stages of changing a light-bulb. First, noticing that the light-bulb has burned out. Second, deciding to change the light-bulb. Third, replacing the light-bulb when it starts to get dim.
Lutherans:
I noticed the light-bulb went out, so I baked a casserole.
How many Episcopalian priests does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to call the handy-man and three to mix the pitcher of martinis
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! The light bulb contains the seeds of its own Revolution!
How many supply officers does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter, they’ve been taking the old burned out ones back to the supply room and storing them as ready for issue for decades. At this point, none of them work anymore.
How many Wiccans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're not afraid of The Darkness.
How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But gloves WILL be worn at all times, otherwise if fingers get hot, dancing could break out.
How many Freemasons does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to change the bulb, one to record the event and one to complain 'That's not how we did it when I was in the chair"
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"That's not funny!"
How many non-denominational Evangelicals does it take to change a light-bulb?
The most important thing is to have a personal relationship with the light-bulb. We do subscribe to specific methods of relating to the light-bulb. We gather each week to sing about how the light-bulb makes us feel.
How many Messianic Jews does it take to change a light-bulb?
We kindle the Sabbath lights first, then change the light-bulb.
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One elder to actually change the light bulb and nine ladies from the relief society to organize the funeral dinner for the old bulb.
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