Sunday, December 11, 2016

Advice to an Evil Space Princess

Friend, author and blogger Sarah Hoyt has responded to a series of questions from her fans, giving advice to a wannabe Evil Space Princess.  Some of her replies made me laugh out loud.  Here's one example.

Dear Evil Space Princess ... I would like to conquer my patch of the galaxy but I am not sure what to wear to a conquest? Any suggestions? Sincerely, Evil in Training.

Dear in Training:

If you are asking what you should personally wear, the normal attire for going on a war of conquest is black.  Black makes you look intimidating, is slimming, and, as a useful side effect it can hide blood splatter.  You know how hard it is to carry clean clothing along when your vanguard outstrips your supply lines.  And while that whole “I wash my clothes in the blood of my enemies” is very impressive, it does tend to make it look slovenly and like you’re strapped for clothes (and soap) by the end of it.

Now, if you wish to dress your minions, we encourage you to spare on clothes for the cannon fodder.  For the brutes who are just supposed to be killed, try either a loincloth or some simple whole body thing, depending on the level of technology.  Look, the stuff is just going to get shredded.  Don’t over think it.

For the troops after the cannon fodder, the actual trained marksmen in whatever level of weaponry, you should get the best protective clothing you can.  It might be just quilted wool, or it might be some super-high-tech material, but it should be the best you can afford.  Trained warriors are expensive.  Try to spare them.

The same applies to your inner guards, who should be as well protected and armed as possible.

On the other hand, your inner, largely ornamental guard, should be dressed to impress.  Depending on your preference, we recommend leather loin cloths and oiled bodies for the males, and oiled bodies and leather bikinis for females.

No one really should wear chainmail bikinis, as they heat too fast in the sun, and pinch delicate areas, but if you really feel a need to use chainmail bikinis for your minions, remember to have them lined in some quilted material.

It’s all very well to torture your minions for a purpose, but to make them wear chainmail bikinis for no reason is just evil.

There are many more at the link.  Good for a giggle this Sunday morning.

(Thinks . . . hmmm . . . Miss D. in a chainmail bikini?  I must work on that . . . )



Uncle Lar said...

Do keep in mind that the only difference between a chain mail bikini and a chastity belt is the latch mechanism and who controls it.

Rusty Gunner said...

"(Thinks . . . hmmm . . . Miss D. in a chainmail bikini? I must work on that . . . )"

Now you know why women put pepper spray on toilet paper.

Will said...

I have a very vague recollection that MadMike (Sharp Pointy Stabby Things?) had something of that sort in his medieval gear collection.

May not have the chainmail outfits now. Too tired to look tonight.