Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Doofus Of The Day #810

Today's award goes to Haribo for the sugar-free version of their Gummy Bears.  The Atlantic reports:

In all fairness, you were warned. The Amazon description for sugar-free Haribo Gummy Bears reads, in part: "This product is a sugarless/sugarfree item with ingredients that can cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess."

"Intestinal distress," in this case, might be an understatement for what a series of viral Amazon reviews call, "trumpets calling the demons back to Hell," "guttural pronouncement so loud it threatened to drown out my own voice," and "100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM."

. . .

A glance at the nutrition panel shows that the first (and thus most prevalent) ingredient in the sugar-free variety is lycasin, a hydrogenated syrup ... The known side effects of the excessive consumption of lycasin are bloating, flatulence, loose stools, and borborygmi, the scientific term for tummy-rumbling.

Though the substance is considered safe to eat, in clinical studies, adults who consumed 40 grams of lycasin saw an increased frequency of bowel movements and "watery feces." The gummy bears in question come in bags of 5 pounds, otherwise known as 2,267 grams, otherwise known as a world of hurt.

Of course, this also means you now have the perfect hate-gift for your foes:

"I bought one order for the Westboro Baptist Church as a donation," one Amazon reviewer wrote. "Because we all know how much God hates irregularity."

There's more at the link.

I laughed like mad at the reviews on Amazon.  It seems customers there recognize doofidity when they see it, and respond in kind!



Tirno said...

Sometimes, the truth is so awful that you can only speak of it in metaphors. This story is, at the same time, both hyperbolic and completely true.

Rev. Paul said...

"I bought one order for the Westboro Baptist Church as a donation"

I LOL'd and LOL'd!

Mark Matis said...

I suspect this would work even better as a hate gift:

Courtesy of

Sunnybrook Farm said...

I don't know if I should believe all of these people but I am not going to try the things.

MrGarabaldi said...

Hey Peter,

In some things I am a purist...I have been a fan of Haribo gummy bears since the mid 70's and I was soo happy when they started showing up in the states. Needless to say...I will NOT be trying this..