Wednesday, April 29, 2015

When SWAT teams meet their (literary) match . . .

I've written before about the clash centered around the Hugo Awards between conservative/libertarian/'traditional' science fiction and fantasy authors and fans, and those of the more liberal/progressive/politically correct faction that have come to be known as 'Social Justice Warriors' or SJW's.  Some of the latter have apparently threatened to 'swat' their 'opponents', as they see them;  in other words, make false calls to the police alleging that a crime is in progress, in the hope that a SWAT team will descend, fully armed, and arrest those they don't like.  This is a known phenomenon - and a very dangerous situation for all concerned.

Fellow author and blogger Declan Finn couldn't resist the thought:  what if some of the most gun-savvy and military-experienced authors, most hated by the SJW's, had unexpected visits from SWAT teams?  He took the ball and ran with it in two articles (so far).  Here's an excerpt, in which retired US Army Lieutenant-Colonel and novelist Tom Kratman is 'raided'.

[SWAT navigates the mine field, crawls under the barbed wire, and slips past the mysteriously bloodstained crosses lining the walkway]

[ SWAT is about to breach the door with enough C4 to blow open a bunker]

[Tom Kratman, the Grant Strategikon himself, dressed like George Patton, using the voice of a drill Sargent meets George C. Scott ] TEN-HUT

[The SWAT members with military training immediately snapped to.  The few non-veteran members look confused, until TK gets in their face.]  I SAID TEN-HUT.

[The last of SWAT complies. TK drifts up and down the line, inspecting all of them.]  I have never seen such an underequipped, slip-shod entry. Where are your wire clippers! Where are your sappers! Where are your sniper teams! My wife could have taken you out a dozen times by now!

[TK stops and turns, and waves off in one direction.]  Hi honey, I love you!

[TK turns back to the SWAT team] Who trained you people? John Scalzi? Kurds?

[Junior SWAT member stammers]  Buu-u-u-ut, aren't the Kurds supposed to be the good fighters--

[TK] SILENCE, FOOL. Drop and give me fifty. You there, drop your equipment on this man so he knows how to do a REAL push up!

[TK continues inspection] As I was saying, I have never seen a more pathetic attempt at entry. How appalled am I, Sergeant Major?"

[A non-com appears at TK's elbow, also in full uniform, but wearing more guns than the entire SWAT team put together.] Ve-ry Sir.

[TK] Alright. It ap-pears that the only way I'm ever going to get a decent SWATting is to train you myself. Every man, fall back to the FOB. We're going to do this again, and again, and a-gain, until we get it right.  In this second run through, I'm going to use my defenses.  On the third try, I will be using live ammunition.  AM I UNDER-STTOOOOOOODDDD?



There's more in the first and second articles.  Very funny, particularly to those of us who know the individuals concerned.  Go read, and enjoy!



Anonymous said...

Those are hilarious. Especially for anyone who has read most of those authors books. The ones for Ringo, Kratman and Weber seem especially accurate given their works. Since baen is probably my favorite publishing company seeing so many of their authors represented was awesome.

John said...

And I can only imagine the SWATTING of Doc Smith. Lensmen, and Skylarkers, and Spacehounds, oh my!

And I put down the coffee cup before reading, I learned that lesson the hard way.

John in Philly

Billll said...

SWATting is the fervent hope that the nervous cops will kill your enemy for you, such as the fellow carrying the pellet gun up to the register in the Wal Mart.

Quirel said...

Speaking as someone who can't stand Tom Kratman...

My sides still hurt from laughing.

Declan Finn said...

To the author's ... delight / chagrin, he's now up to Sad Puppies X. Delight because people read it. Chagrin because he's declared THE END twice now, and it's taken over his blog, he's even got the collected epic on a tab to keep track of expansions:

Trust me, I should know. :)