Are marriages meant to last for life?

Following my recent two posts dealing with marriage issues and problems, I had two e-mails from readers. Both asked, in so many words, whether it was realistic, in this day and age, to expect a marriage to last for a lifetime. Both pointed out that as individuals matured, and developed new areas of interest, personality and the like, it was very easy for couples to 'grow apart' rather than grow together. This wasn't so much of a problem in earlier generations, where the explosion of knowledge - and its ready availability via the media, the Internet and other sources - didn't stretch people's minds all that much: but today, both of my correspondents found it a problem in their respective marriages. I thought some readers might be interested in how I responded to them.

My take on this is very simple, and is Biblically-based (what else would you expect from a retired pastor, after all?). In Matthew 6:19-21, Jesus tells his followers:

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Clearly, in this extract (read in context), he's talking about one's relationship with God as one's principal 'treasure'. However, his words can also be applied to marriage.

Ask yourself: "What is my greatest treasure?" I've heard many different answers to that question, from married and single people. For some, it's their happiness, or health, or wealth, or collection of antique gizmos, or whatever. Those answers are almost always inward-looking: this is my most important treasure, mine, important to me. Then there are those who look outward, to their relationships with others, and classify them as the most important. These are, in my experience, likely to be better balanced individuals than those who look inward. They realize that life doesn't revolve around them, that they're only a part of a whole. They focus on us rather than on me. They're likely to make better partners in marriage than a more self-centered person.

Ideally, in marriage, one's spouse should be one's 'treasure', the thing (or, in this case, person) to whom one devotes the major share of one's attention. As the marriage grows into a family, clearly, children will come to share this 'limelight'. The family will occupy center stage for a while, then, as the children grow up and leave home, the spouse will move back to prominence. Nothing else will be allowed to interfere with the primacy of marriage and family: not work, not money, not anything.

That's the secret to a long-lasting marriage, right there. One makes it one's 'treasure', and devotes to it the appropriate amount of time, energy and resources. "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." If your marriage relationship is not your treasure, then your heart won't be in it, and it's very likely to fail. Whenever I hear someone say, "I'm not getting out of this marriage what I expected to get from it," my instant reaction is to ask, "Well, what are you putting into it?" If someone's expecting to take, rather than give, there's an instant problem. If both parties are giving their all, they'll both receive, and in abundance.

This is also why it's so important to have the right foundation for a marriage. I've lost count of the number of couples who've come to me for counseling assistance, who've outlined what they saw as their future as a couple, and found the reality wanting. In so many cases, they decided that children would have to wait on the demands of their career; or that owning an impressive, well-furnished house and swanky cars was important, even at the cost of a crippling load of debt, in order to maintain their social 'image' or 'status'; or that spending extra time at the office, to 'show willing' and earn the boss's respect, was more important than spending time with their spouse. Guess what? All these things showed very clearly that their 'treasure' was somewhere other than in their marriage - and the results showed, every time.

Some of the happiest marriages I've seen have been among folks who aren't rich, aren't all that well educated, aren't all that ambitious . . . but who love each other, and put each other first in all things. They have a bond that will last, because their treasure is in the right place - in each other. They devote their time and attention to caring for their 'treasure', just as a miser might devote his time and attention to his investments and accounts. Both will reap the reward of their attention - but I know who'll be happier.

Something else to think about. Love is never static. It grows, or it diminishes, depending on how it's handled - but it doesn't stand still. In a good relationship, the love between the partners is something living, growing with them, increasing in each of them, making their marriage a reality greater than the two individuals who comprise it. It's often the case that a well-married couple will share their love with others, usually their children, but if they're childless, in counseling others, fostering or adopting children, helping with youth groups, and so on. Their love seeks an outlet as it grows greater within and between them. This is normal, and very healthy.

Indeed, my friends, if the love in your relationship has grown 'static', and isn't improving, ask yourself how much effort you're putting into loving. I'm sure you already know the answer, don't you?

There's the answer in a nutshell. Make your marriage your 'treasure', your priority, and give it all the attention and dedication it deserves, and it will last, and prosper, and become better and better as you go on together. Make it something less . . . and it won't.

Peter