A cogent warning about our relationships in hard times

 

When it comes to relationships, particularly romantic ones, as a pastor and chaplain I've often found myself between a rock and a hard place.  There's the theory, and the Biblical injunction, that "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder".  Divorce, according to classical moral theology, is a no-no;  you make it work together.  However, this presumes that both sides are willing to make it work, and are prepared to make sacrifices and adapt in order to achieve that.  I've seen far too many relationships where that hasn't happened;  where one side of the relationship has been actively destructive (whether physically, or mentally, or spiritually, or a combination thereof) to themselves and/or the other person involved.  That goes double when violence becomes a factor.  There's simply no place for physical violence in a relationship.  If that arrives, the victim should leave immediately, and recognize that there's no rescuing or salvaging that relationship.  If there is, I've never found a way that works.  Yes, I know that flies in the face of the Biblical message - but it's the only practical solution I know.

This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships.  I'm sure many of us have had friends or acquaintances who try to assume an ever more dominant and important role in our lives, to the point where they consume time and resources we really need for something else.  Others may differ from us to such an extent that they disturb our thinking, making us lose focus.  Some may be "clingy", taking a lot from us but giving back very little.  All these are unhealthy elements in our lives that can cause major disruptions, if we allow them to.

Karl Denninger foresees (as I do, and as many others do) that hard times are coming for all of us.  He warns that relationships can be the cornerstone to survival, or lead to our destruction.  Emphasis in original.

... if you have a stable relationship with another person and you are BOTH healthy (mentally AND physically) then recognize that two can always live more-cheaply than two ones and that one plus one is at least two and can be, if you're synergistic in some ways, more than 2.  As such if you have that  sort of relationship and you can make it deeper and better do it and avoid actions that might degrade or even destroy what you have.  Coming through adversity together with common purpose between two people who find each other before things go sideways and your "chooser" gets skewed by events who can be focused on each other and where other forced associations are not present and thus you can make major choices as a couple without mandated outside interference (e.g. neither of you currently has children from a former relationship) can forge a bond like no other.  I never achieved this and I'm 60 now -- but that doesn't mean you can't when you're 30, 25 or younger and if you can its absolutely worth it and can pay personal, incalculable dividends for decades.

But -- and this is extremely important -- one minus one is always zero and can be less than zero if one or both of you is unstable and prone to destruction.  Instability isn't just about "do I have a job" either; the worst instabilities are mental and emotional in their basis.  You can go ahead and make all the excuses you want for this and most people will but its absolutely true.  Cutting off a destructive influence can be very hard, particularly if you have a romantic involvement with that person but plenty of people get dragged down the toilet with someone who is hellbent on destroying themselves.  In times of plenty or if you have a lot you can get away with trying to make it better and if and when you fail bail off and avoid being destroyed yourself.  When times are tough and resources thin if you're the sane one and the other isn't you're much-more likely to get ruined by that same attempt simply because the margins are much thinner and they apply without fear or favor to everyone.  Always remember that nobody ever changes for anyone else in reality -- they only do it for themselves and both men and women frequently believe that not to be true and that they can "fix" the other's issues.

There's more at the link.  The whole article is worth reading.

I endorse Mr. Denninger's warning.  If your romantic relationship isn't as it should be right now, work on it until it's fixed.  That's really, really important, because when you add stress to that relationship, it can fracture and collapse.  That's the last thing you want to happen when everything else around you is in a state of flux.  Your marriage/partnership should be the bedrock on which both of you stand to face all the other troubles of life.  Absent that bedrock, you have a relationship built on sand - and we all know what happens to them.

The same applies, in a lesser way, to our friendships and acquaintanceships.  There are those who help us, who strengthen us, who build us up, and for whom we do the same.  They're valuable.  Treasure them, and nurture your relationship with them.  Then . . . there are those who are whiny, and clingy, and who drag us down into the mess they've made of their own lives.  We have to learn and re-learn the old, hard lesson that you can't live someone else's life for them.  You can't rescue those who turn around and fall into situations where they again need rescue.  Somewhere, sooner or later, you have to break those negative chains - and it's a lot easier to do so when the rest of your life is still on an even keel.  In the midst of economic and/or social and/or political chaos, it's a whole lot harder - but it's even more important to cut off such distractions and concentrate on the people and needs that are really important to us.  Better deal with such matters before they become so distracting that they threaten our well-being, even our survival.

Oh - and if you've prepared for hard times, and have an emergency cash reserve and backup food supplies and a stash of essential gear, be very, very careful who you tell about them.  Our "needy" hangers-on will be the first to come running to us, demanding that we share what we've prepared, because they haven't made any such preparations themselves.  They'll tell us that we "owe" it to them, that we should share what we have regardless of whether or not that will mean hardship for ourselves and our families.  The answer has to be a simple, flat "No!"  They may scream and cry and carry on, pleading need, accusing us of being selfish and hard-hearted . . . and it doesn't matter.  When things get tough, our every decision is an investment in our future.  Those who are important to us get that investment.  Those who are not, don't.  It's as simple as that - and as ruthless.  Altruism is a fine thing, and we should all practice it to the extent possible, but not to the extent of jeopardizing our own survival, our own relationships, our own core necessities.  If we do, everyone loses, most of all ourselves.  Remember Jim Quinn's modern (1994) parable of the ant and the grasshopper, and learn from it.  (However, his version no longer applies only to one side of the political aisle.  Both major political parties have been infected by the same disease.  Just look at Congress, and you'll see for yourself.)

Cherish, guard and build up your good relationships.  They'll make all the difference in the world when the chips are down.

Peter