When technology becomes massively dysfunctional in our lives

I'm rather horrified to read that over a third of those using the Blackberry PDA have admitted that they'd choose it over their spouse if they had to.

Of all the possible things that can come between spouses, you can now add BlackBerrys -- or more precisely -- BlackBerry addiction to the list.

A new study reveals BlackBerry's are becoming -- among other things -- the 800-pound gorilla in the bedroom.

'Berry, 'Berry, addictive?

"I live with it. I can't live without it," one New York City resident told CBS 2 HD.

Yeah ... there's a reason some call 'em ... CrackBerrys.

But are you having a love affair with yours?




"I am on my BlackBerry more than I see my boyfriend," one woman said.

The study of 6,500 traveling executives says 35 percent of them would choose their PDA over their spouse.

"That's a tough call," one said.

"Oh you don't want to go there," another added.

And apparently that attitude is being seen in the sack. Of those polled, 87 percent said they bring their devices into the bedroom.

Another 84 percent check their e-mails just before they go to sleep. Another 80 percent check them in the morning as soon as they get up.

"It can actually ruin relationships," said Dr. Susan Bartell, a psychologist and relationship expert. Bartell said couples should be interfacing more, but with each other.

"People are so focused on their PDAs, they're not focusing on what might be going wrong in their relationships," Bartell said.

Of those polled, 62 percent said they love their blackberry or PDA, and most of them said it makes their life more productive. However, experts suggest, for the sake of your relationship, you might occasionally …

"Turn it off, spend some time with your partner. Have a real relationship with a living human being," Bartell said.

The reason this disturbs me so deeply is that it's yet another indication of how commodified our relationships have become. Our partner is now simply one among many things, items, influences or activities calling for our attention - and by no means the most important among them, for many.

I see this in counseling situations all the time. Marriage in trouble? Many times - the vast majority - it'll turn out to be because one or both partners had other interests that they were putting ahead of their spouse and/or children. Work is a frequent offender, and the guilty parties actually get angry when this is brought to their attention - they'll insist that they have to give priority to their jobs, because that's what will provide a better future for their families. They demand support and understanding for their "workaholism" instead of criticism. The fact that without giving their family life the necessary priority, they may not have a family to enjoy later, quite escapes them.

What happened to the old understanding that marriage was "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part"? I suppose it's become submerged in the modern sickness of "You can have it all! You deserve it!" The truth, of course, is that we can't have it all, and we don't "deserve" it. What comes to us in life is certainly partly due to our hard work and application, but it's also due to many imponderables. Sometimes life happens. When the nastier side of life hits us, we're left with what we've built up in the good times to buttress us against the cold winds of fate . . . and if we haven't built up anything, there's nothing there to support us. A relationship is like a bank account. Both partners need to make regular deposits of caring, loving, attention, the gift of themselves to the other, etc. That way, when one needs to draw on the accumulated "capital" of the relationship, there's enough in the "account" to do so. Ignore the regular deposits, and there'll be nothing to withdraw.

One of the saddest things about being a counselor is hearing (so many, many times) one or other spouse complain coldly that they're not getting out of their marriage what they expected. My instant question is, "Well, what are you putting into it?"

They usually aren't able to answer. And that's heartbreaking for everyone - including me.

I suspect this is why many people of my acquaintance have stopped looking for love. They've grown tired and weary of putting something into the relationship, only to have the other partner put in less than they do (or nothing at all). This is also why early and "cheap" sex has degraded relationships so significantly. It used to be the case that the physical union of a man and woman was the crown of their relationship, the physical expression and affirmation of an existing mental and spiritual union. Nowadays, for too many, it's become a matter of waking up in bed together and saying, "Well, that was fun . . . what was your name again?" The exclusivity and special nature of the sexual bond have been lost.

Little wonder that in such circumstances, a PDA can be more "significant" than another person.

Peter