Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Things doctors learn from their patients

Via Ken of the group blog Popehat, we learn of an interesting thread on the Student Doctor Network entitled 'Things I Learn From My Patients'. A few examples:

  • Tonight I learned yet another helpful life lesson from one of my patients. If you're on the street corner selling coke and you see the cops coming to bust you don't eat all your coke. Having been taught this valuable lesson I will now know better than to do this and wind up going to the ER in handcuffs, seizing uncontrollably, aspirating my vomit and doing all of this with a white powder moustache looking like and ad for "Got Coke?"
  • Always pay your drug dealer! Bad things happen when you don't pay.
  • Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will somehow, work its way up your rectum.
  • Always wait until finishing your woodwork with the skillsaw prior to using your meth.
  • Don't road surf on the top of a moving stickshift car driven by your younger sibling with a learner's permit.
  • Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
  • No matter how tough you are, don't cross the street when you are drunk because the moving vehicle always wins.
  • No matter how badly constipated you are, a vodka enema is not a good idea.
  • Whether the person hits the train or the train hits the person, it's bound to be bad for the person.
  • When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.

Those are just from the first page of the thread - and it's currently 51 pages long! Go read the whole thing, and have a good laugh.



Wayne Conrad said...

There goes another three days of my life. :)

Weren't you the one that pointed me to the "grossest things ever seen in medicine thread" which also took three days of my life?

Julie said...

i'm with wayne ... could be reading that list for days (and loving it!).