What we've learned from the Internet

I'm still laughing at a wonderfully funny column in the Sydney Morning Herald. Here's an extract.

I've imbibed a deluge of tabloid information. You know it's true or they would not have put it on the internet.

As a public service, here is a fast history of where we have been and why we are here, according to modern media.

The first humans were or were not created by an all-powerful deity called God, Allah or Jehovah, or we were created by an extraterrestrial species that look like giant insects or Aryan athletes. The premier people on the red carpet of history were Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve, or Shirley and Eve: they were white, black or another colour. They ate with their hands and Eve liked apples, which was really bad. They were the first modern people and may or may not have had sex before or after with Neanderthals. In those days incest and hair were quite big. We now shave our bodies in remembrance.

Various civilisations came and went, helped by aliens, slave labour, psychedelic drugs, loot from war and something called "human nature". There is nature and then there is "human nature". This covered malice, bigotry, love, breeding and really shocking behaviour called the seven deadly sins. Religions multiplied, since we could not believe we alone were conscious on earth. It seemed to be too depressing if we were unique in the universe and had evolved from crabs.

Anyway, the Chinese invented rockets and war took off everywhere. This was not the fault of the Chinese, who liked fireworks. Shakespeare, a pot-head Englishman, wrote or did not write many plays representing a new secular bible. He created the modern human with his play Hamlet, where the stoned young man says: "To be or not to be." This was a first quarto misprint of "to bed or not to bed", causing sexual problems to this day, and also modern psychology. Psychology explains to us why we are all insane.

There's more at the link. Very amusing and highly recommended reading.

Peter