Monday, January 28, 2013

Non-apology of the year?

The good people at 'This Ain't Hell (But You Can See It From Here)' are known, among other things, for unmasking those who falsely claim to have served in elite units, particularly Special Forces, and who 'award' themselves military medals and honors they haven't earned.  One of my favorites was the man they labeled 'General Ballduster McSoulPatch', who was profiled after his arrest by the Military Times.

It seems they found another person claiming extensive military-type experience, and couldn't locate any evidence that he'd done anything he'd claimed.  He objected, saying he was only an actor, and this was publicity material.  They didn't take any notice, and were then contacted by a lawyer.  They've just put up the funniest non-apology I've read in years, giving details of just how creepy, false and dishonorable this character's claims are.  I can only hope he'll now be shunned by the Hollywood community too!  Here are a few excerpts.

We, the crack legal team here at This Ain’t Hell come before you humbled.  As some of you may remember,  TAH previously featured a series of posts on one Justin Weiss as part of our efforts at outing Stolen Valor posers.  Mr. Weiss, who was not amused, told us that:  (a) he was in uniform in his role as an actor; (b) he never claimed to have served; and (c) things we found offensive were on the internet because he had been hacked.  Because we did not immediately remove the post, Mr. Weiss informed us he would contact an attorney.  We hear this every day and completely ignored Mr. Weiss’ threats until we received a letter from one Mr. E. Dale Buxton II (Esq.) an attorney at a very high-priced, high-profile law firm we will not name (because they have some really good lawyers and we don’t want to be buried in paper for the rest of our lives).  Mr. Buxton informed us that not only were we guilty of defamation, but also copyright infringement.

We, the crack legal team at TAH were unconvinced.  We believed that we had good defenses and that perhaps it would be amusing to match wits with Mr. Buxton.  However, after Mr. Buxton’s latest missive, we have decided to admit defeat.  One does not do battle with the immortal, or attempt to secure a spot at their side on Olympus or Valhalla or Fiddlers Green when one is not equal to such a task.  We come before you as humble as a supplicant lying supine at the altar of Eleos, the Greek daimona of mercy, pity and compassion.  We were wrong.  We have wronged.  We couldn’t have gotten any wronger.

. . .

Thus, we hereby abjure and renounce without reservation all previous comments regarding Justin Weiss, and have taken down all posts previously present on our website.   Much as a child’s teacup is unable to contain all the waters of the world, so unequal to the task at hand are words such as “sorrow” and “guilt” that we must perpetually strive to our dying day to make this right.  As renunciation, sorrow and guilt are insufficient to this task, we further pledge ourselves here onward to seek without rest the deification of Justin Weiss and E. Dale Buxton II (Esq.)   Like Sísyphos, king of Ephyra (now known as Corinth) punished by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever, so shall we endeavor to make right what we once made wrong.

Here, we explain to you, our readers, why.

. . .

The authors grievously asked:

“How many of you have seen a Ranger with this much stored energy (body fat)?”

What we really meant was that Mr. Weiss has the body of Hercules, the facial hair of a young Brad Pitt, the calves of James Woods, and the winsome smile of Steve Buscemi.  Were the man to be immortally carved into granite, it would make even the Aphrodite Kallipygo weep tears of blood.  For more perfect buttocks on a man one could search an eternity and find none half so sublime.

. . .

As you can see from the Cold Blue website Mr. Weiss has the special skills of:

“Six years of military experience”
“First aid in combat”
“Crowd control tactics”
“SWAT tactics”

We believed that this implied that Mr. Weiss had military service.  We believed that this website, which is intended to attract business to Cold Blue, likely from US companies among others, and would likely be considered advertising by the Federal Trade Commission, falsely implied that Mr. Weiss (among others of their “T.A.G.” members) had been members of the armed forces of the United States and/or Canada.  This was a huge mistake.  Nowhere on the internet or even this bright blue planet of ours can this universal truth be circumvented: Justin Weiss has never claimed to have served in the Armed Forces of any country.

There's much more at the link.  Definitely one of the best fiskings I've seen in a long time!



Murphy's Law said...

They kicked his ass and I'm betting that he's too stupid to even realize it.

Wayne Conrad said...

That's brilliant. Humor has a special place in our libel laws (see South Park's take-down of the hyper-litigious Church of Scientology.

Retired Mustang said...

That is one of the best I've read in a very long time.

Lost_Dog said...


And I learned a new word: "Brobdingnagian"