Can separate beds be best?

I'd like to hear from my readers on this topic.

An article in the Daily Mail suggests that separate beds, even separate rooms, may be best for some married couples.

The secret to a long and happy marriage could be having separate beds, an expert on sleep claims.

Not only will a couple escape arguments over duvet-hogging and fidgeting, but they will have a proper night's rest.

This will have a huge impact on both their health and the relationship as poor sleep increases the risk of stroke, heart disease and divorce, said Dr Neil Stanley.

The consultant, who set up sleep laboratories at Surrey University, said: 'Poor sleep is bad for your physical, mental and emotional health. There is no good thing about poor sleep.

'If you sleep perfectly well together, then don't change. But don't be afraid to relocate.'

If a husband or wife snores, twin beds might not be an option either, and they should sleep in separate bedrooms, he told the British Science Festival.

Dr Stanley, who follows his own advice and sleeps in a different room to his wife, said that double beds are just not conducive to a good night's sleep.

He said the tradition of the marital bed began with the industrial revolution, when people moved into cities and found themselves short of living space.

Before the Victorian era it was not uncommon for married couples to sleep apart.

. . .

Dr Stanley's advice follows studies at Surrey University on the impact of tossing and turning on sleeping partners.

When one partner moves in his or her sleep, there is a 50 per cent chance the other will also change position.

Despite this, couples are reluctant to sleep apart, with just 8 per cent of those in their 40s and 50s bedding down in different rooms.

Separate bedrooms are much more common in old age, with more than 40 per cent of those aged 70-plus sleeping apart.

This could be because long-established couples feel more secure in their relationships.

They may also find it easier to bring up the touchy topic of one moving out of the marital bed and could also be more likely to have a spare room than a younger couple.

Dr Stanley said the argument that it is comforting to sleep beside someone else holds little water.

He said: 'Sleep is the most selfish thing we can do. People say that they like the feeling of having their partner next to them when they are asleep. But you have to be awake to feel that.

'We all know what it is like to sleep in a bed with somebody and have a cuddle.

'But at one point you say, "I'm going to go to sleep now".

'Why not at that point just take yourself down the landing?

'Intimacy is important for emotional health. But good sleep is important for physical, emotional and mental health.'

There's more at the link.

I can't help but think that Dr. Stanley is right about this. Sure, if couples can adjust to sleeping together and not disturb each other, that's great: but in marital counseling, I've found that's not always the case - not even close. If that's the case, why not sleep in separate beds, even separate rooms?

My own parents had separate bedrooms because my father snored loudly, and my mother simply couldn't sleep properly next to the sound of an asthmatic, wheezing chainsaw. It didn't prevent them having at least the normal amount of marital intimacy (not if four children are anything to go by!), and they were quite comfortable with 'visiting rights' to each others' beds whenever they felt like it. They stayed together for 64 years until my mother's death, so they must have got something right!

I'd be grateful to hear from my readers about your experiences of this. What's worked for you? Do you manage to sleep well enough sharing a bed with your partner, or do you use separate beds and/or rooms? Does it seem somehow less intimate to have separate beds or rooms, or can - do - frequent 'visiting rights' suffice? Please leave a comment to let us know your experiences and/or thoughts.

Peter