Friday, December 12, 2008

Doofus Of The Day #120

I'm stunned to read the list of requirements for her prospective boyfriend set out by a lonely lady (?) on Craigslist in New York.

Would you believe this lot? And, if you were a male in her area, would you even think of dating someone this picky?

I am a single, free-spirited, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time.

I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself!

Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.

  • non smoker
  • must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions
  • must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction
  • must not be opposed to wicker furniture
  • must be 420 friendly
  • must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS
  • past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary
  • some knowledge of vintage wine
  • must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad
  • toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser
  • PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men
  • no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas
  • no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys
  • musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins
  • name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)
  • must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
  • must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant
  • must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5
  • owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards)
  • I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.
  • must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert
  • passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town
  • must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson
  • must have read complete works of Jane Austen
  • must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF
  • must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access
  • must love pinball and not play ping pong
  • 3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films
  • must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind
  • must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification
  • must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too!
  • NO FELONS!!!
  • must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)
  • Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable
  • must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours
  • must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores
  • must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS
  • no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse.

I know the guy for me is out there. I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart.

Please reply with a little bit about yourself, include pics.


Er . . . yes, well, quite!

'M', I daresay that somewhere in your chosen geographical area, such a man may, indeed reside. However, I can only counsel him (if he's thinking of responding to your advertisement) to run like hell in the opposite direction!

Sheesh . . .

Suffice it to say that for this lady, I'm considering inventing a new award. 'Doofus Of The Day' simply isn't unique enough. How about 'Doofus Extraordinaire'?



Pappy said...

Peter, I don't think even Doofus Extrordinaire even covers her. How about dumber than a box of rocks?

Anonymous said...

Amen Pappy.
She is going to be alone for ever.

Anonymous said...

Gosh! And she has no clue as to why she is lonely. On the plus side it is highly unlikely that she will ever be able to reproduce!

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm all for her "NO FELONS!!!" criterion. As for the rest, well, I suppose that the world needs single people, somehow.

On second thought, maybe it's just her way of asking for a Spanking. {where's that "evil" smiley?}

Becky said...

I see someone who is listing all the dealbreakers of previous relationships, or negative trends (initials??). At least she knows what she wants.

That said, I agree she's going to stay alone, but I think she knows this already.

Old NFO said...

RUn like hell would be an understatement!

Anonymous said...

With many of her requirements, particularly "musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins" I'm afraid she's out of luck. A guy who fits that description has already got a boyfriend!


Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like she is nuttier than squirrel poop.

deadstick said...

I won't leave the seat up if she won't leave it down.

Home on the Range said...

As the Knights of Nee would say.


Anonymous said...

No, the correct award wouldn't be "Doofus Extraordinaire". I think "Spinster for Life" is more apt.

Her list is just a little too detailed. If the list of what you're looking for in a partner doesn't fit on the back of a business card, forget it!

Karen in Australia

HollyB said...

Her musical tastes, cats and the Jane Austen requirement...
Mr. Right isn't comin' Sweetie. He's already hooked up with Prince Charming.

Christina RN LMT said...


I agree, Doofus doesn't come close to describing this woman, but I foresee I time when she'll be called "That crazy cat lady on the fourth floor!"

LawDog said...

must be 420 friendly

Methinks the lady has been imbibing a bit too much.

Anonymous said...


I'm with chicopanther. She's a doofus cause the guy she's looking for bats for the other team.

Merry Christmas!

Julie said...

what gets me is the ommission of any sexual criteria at all ... i mean it's an extremely detailed list on all areas of life EXCEPT sexual .. odd ... and yes, the most appropriate award is "Spinster for Life".

Cargosquid said...

She doesn't want a boyfriend. She wants a butler.

Oh, wait. I know this guy! Too bad he's gay......

He wasn't before reading that list....but now.....

Anonymous said...

Good grief, I hope she's being sarcastic. My husband will sometimes leave bits of red stubble around the sink after he's done trimming, but that certainly wasn't a deal-breaker. He's a man, for cryin' out loud, and will do strange things, just like I have strange woman-quirks.

Whatever happened to wanting a good, honest, hard-working man who's emotionally and financially stable, who opens the door for you, loves kids, knows how to change a flat tire, and doesn't run home to mommy?

Crucis said...

We can rest assured she will be the last of her line and good-riddance it will be. She looking for a Darwin Award by other means.

Simeron Steelhammer said...

My many so critical of her just posting what she wants!

I least she doesn't want to have to WORK AT CHANGING HIM after the fact....*8p

She's just lazy is

Anonymous said...

Gah. That she's got so many incredibly trivial deal-breakers is, indeed, a good sign that she'll be the cat-lady of her neighbourhood.

I mean...'no felons' is understandable. 'Must like cats' is acceptable. Being with in a certain distance of her place, semi-understandable (assuming she doesn't want to spend all night/day in transit back to her place or over to his place, I guess).
But...requiring him to own a minimum of four jackets from North Face and like scented candles but not incense? Toilet paper requirements? Honey, I'm pleasantly surprised when my s.o. even wears a jacket - never mind what kind of jacket he has on.

And the rest of the list -- eesh, she doesn't want a boyfriend or a butler. She wants an opposite-sex clone!