Doofus Of The Day #123, #124, #125, #126 and #127!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new record! For the first time, we have no less than five Doofi in and of a single day! It must have been something in the water . . .

Doofus #123 is a nameless offender in Gainesville, Florida.

Authorities say a man was arrested for stealing a small refrigerator from a probation office used to store urine samples, including his own. The Alachua County Sheriff's Office said a 26-year-old man stole the fridge after testing positive for drug use. Police said he went to the office Sunday, shot out a window to get inside and removed the locked refrigerator.

Probation officers gave investigators a list of names of those whose drug samples were stored in the stolen fridge. Investigators tracked down the suspect at his home where they found shards of glass with blood on them.

The fridge is still missing, but the man was being held at the Alachua County jail. He's charged with arson, destroying evidence, burglary and larceny.

Here's a hint, son. If the cops already know that your urine sample is in the fridge, you can expect them to come calling - so dump the bloody evidence next time!

Doofus #124 is a collective award to the police of Sussex, England. As satirist Richard Littlejohn explains:

Officers are being sent out on patrol equipped with goody bags to be handed to Christmas revellers at chucking-out time.

They have been ordered to distribute them to drunks tipping out of pubs and nightclubs. There are black bags for females, red for males. No doubt in Brighton they've got a pink version, too.

In addition to flip-flops, the lay-deez' goody bag contains a bottle of water, a lollipop, guidance on 'safe' levels of alcohol consumption and, inevitably, a condom.

The gentlemen's has everything but the flip-flops, plus a leaflet giving instructions, in the unlikely event of successful deployment of condom, on the necessity of obtaining consent from the other party.

. . .

So the transformation of the police from a crime-fighting organisation to a box-ticking branch of the social services is just about complete.

It's no wonder proper coppers despair and are counting the days until they can collect their pension.

By the time the pubs and clubs decant their well-lubricated patrons onto the streets, all the pretend policemen in their high-viz community support vests are long since tucked up in bed.

It falls to the thinnest of blue lines to try to prevent mayhem in our town centres.

How are they supposed to stop a tanked-up skinhead headbutting a love rival and stuffing him through the window of Topshop if they're milling around handing out goody bags, like clowns at a children's birthday party?

It's bad enough them having to scrape up some slapper from the pavement after she's deposited a belly-full of Bacardi Breezer on their boots, without helping her fill in a sexual consent form. How long has it been the job of the Old Bill to facilitate acts of casual romance between two adults who've spent the evening drinking themselves senseless?

What good is giving a leaflet about the recommended 'safe' drinking level to a woman who has downed a month's ration in a couple of hours?

Not for the first time, I can't help wondering where it will all end. It can only be a matter of time before cops are sent out on the beat wearing flashing Santa hats.

Like he said!

Doofus #125 is another collective award, to the British Department of Transport's IT 'specialists'. Do note the classic bureaucratic obfuscation at the end!

One of the worst blunders ever seen on Whitehall saw a 'cost-cutting' computer system end up spouting answers in German and leaving taxpayers with a bill of more than £80 million [$122.4 million].

A damning report from MPs today accuses the Department for Transport of 'stupendous incompetence' in its management of a multi-million pound efficiency drive.

It said a programme to save £57 million [$87.25 million] in administration costs had instead left taxpayers facing an £81 million [$124 million] bill.

Workers were left struggling with an IT system that issued messages in German, wrongly recorded that staff were off sick and randomly confiscated staff holidays.

The Commons public accounts committee said the project was among the worst it had ever examined and laid the blame with senior officials in the department.

It criticised ministers for failing to hold anyone to account by sacking or even disciplining-those responsible for the fiasco.

'Despite the extent of mismanagement in this case, no individuals have been dismissed or properly held to account,' said the report.

The programme, based in a Swansea office which manages human resources, payroll, and finance support for the department, was supposed to cost £55 million [$84.1 million] and produce £112 million [$171.4 million] of savings - an overall economy of £57 million [$87.25 million].

However, the department now admits that the programme will cost £121 million [$185.2 million] and produce savings of just £40 million [$61.2 million], resulting in an overall cost to the taxpayer of £81 million [$124 million].

. . .

A spokesman for the Department for Transport said: 'As with any large-scale and long-term project, there have been aspects that have taken longer to implement than others.

'However, the system is now starting to deliver real change with smoother and more streamlined processes. We welcome this report and will be responding to it in due course.'

Don't you just love bureaucrats? Apology? Forget it! Excuse? Why bother? Just 'welcome' the report, promise to reply 'in due course', and go and make another cup of tea. They can't be fired, so why should they care? After all, it's only taxpayers' money!

Doofus #126 is Rob Stewart of Wigan, England.

A chef has has cooked up a crisis for a world famous pie eating contest - by making all the pastries in inches instead of centimetres.

Emma Garner, 25, had been given a message last Friday by her boss to make 200 meat potato pies '12 wide and three and a half deep' for the World Pie Eating Competion.

But instead of cooking the pies 12 centimetres wide by three and a half cm deep, Emma had a metric mix up and made each one 12 inches across by three and a half inches deep instead.

Her shocked boss Rob Stewart, 56, only discovered the truth last night when he went to check on the progress of the pies less than 48 hours before competition was due to take place in Wigan, Greater Manchester.

The boob means Emma and Rob will have to work round the clock to make a fresh set pies of the right size available for the competition.

The battle in the country's "pie capital" features combatants slogging it out to see who can eat a meat and potato pie the fastest - and has been held every year since 1992.

Today Emma, of Wigan, said: "I am a child of the metric age but Mr Stewart goes on so much about the old days of pounds and ounces and feet and inches that I just got confused.

"He left me a brief to start making pies '12 wide, three and a half deep' and didn't mention anything about centimetres.

"As he goes on so much about the olden days and how centimetres and grams are only for French people so they can make themselves seem bigger, I assumed I had to make the pies 12 inches wide.

"You can get pies that big for families in supermarkets so I didn't suspect anything was wrong.

"It's a pity things weren't made clearer. I just thought the contestants would have portions of each pie to eat. If they are champion pie eaters you would think they would have to eat big pies."

Rob who is official pie supplier for the tournament said: "Emma is incredibly talented as a pie maker but she can be cloth-eared at times. "I suppose I do talk a lot about the old imperial measures but I didn't think for one moment she would use them to make these giant pies."

Tony Callaghan, 47, owner of Harry's Bar where the World Pie Eating Championship is held said: "I blame Rob for this fiasco.

"It was utterly irresponsible of Rob Stewart to disappear off for the weekend and leave a highly inexperienced apprentice pie-maker in charge of what should be the world's most carefully and accurately constructed pies

"I was absolutely mortified when I saw the size of the pastries. They looked very nice, but there's no champion in my memory who'd be able to get his mouth round them."

The cooked dimensions of the official pie are a diameter of 12cm and a depth of 3.5cm, and a pie wall angle from base to top of between zero and 15 degrees.

Minimum content cube dimensions of the meat and potato mix are 1cm, and they must have 66% meat content not including pastry.

Last year Adrian Frost, 42, also from Wigan won the competitioon by downing his pie in a record-breaking 34 seconds.

Ah, well. So much for the Metric system! Personally, I'd love to hand the competitors one of the monster pies, if only to see the expression on their faces!

Finally, Doofus #127 is a collective award once more, to the zookeepers at Chessington World of Adventures, also in England. (England's had four of our five Doofus awards today. Must be the season, or something.)

Gorillas at Chessington World of Adventures have had sprouts removed from their festive lunches after visitors were offended by the animals' smelly flatulence.

The 10 gorillas were producing such a strong smell after eating the green treats that zoo keepers have decided to remove the vegetable from their diet while the zoo is open between 10am and 3pm.

People visiting the gorillas were said to be overwhelmed by the stench when nearing their enclosure - but saw the funny side.

Zoo keepers will now give the usual diet of vegetables, fruits, nuts and leaves during opening hours but will add the sprouts in the evenings and let them trumpet to their hearts content.

A spokeswoman from Chessington World of Adventures said: “This is the first year that we have given our gorillas Brussels sprouts.

“The zoo decided to give them the sprouts as a festive treat, and because they are packed full of vitamin C.

“The gorillas loved them but unfortunately our guests weren’t so keen on the smell that the gorillas produced afterwards.”

The gorillas, two of which have lived at the zoo since 1969, will be allowed to join the festive spirit and eat the sprouts all day while the zoo is closed on Christmas day.

Did someone say 'King Pong'?

(Hey - at least they're not feeding them baked beans as well!)



Peter