Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Take the money and run!

I howled with laughter when I read about a couple of extremely clever marketing schemes that prey (or should that be 'pray'?) on the fantasies of religious extremists.

In case you hadn't heard, Judgment Day is pencilled in for 21 May and any Christians among you who hadn't made provision for your pets' wellbeing after the Rapture had better pull your fingers out before you take your place at God's right hand and your poor moggy is left stuck here on Earth staring at an empty bowl.

. . .

... help is at hand in the form of another creature absolutely guaranteed to be left behind by the heavenly mass exodus: the atheist.

Yes indeed, thank God for the animal-loving non-believer willing to take up the slack, such as those recruited by After The Rapture Pet Care.

According to the blurb, you pay a one-off fee of 10 bucks to register, and once you've been righteously raptured, a "Volunteer Pet Caretaker" moves in to retrieve your beloved pet.

Interestingly, while After The Rapture Pet Care admits Judgment Day will be a time of great wailing and gnashing of teeth for the majority of people left unraptured, it's pretty certain enough infrastructure will remain - including the vital Google servers - to ensure the pet database's survival.

This simple faith is touching, and it remains to be seen if the Great Satan of Mountain View's hardware does indeed continue to function after Brin and Page have been rewarded for their religious adherence to the "Don't be evil" motto with jobs running Heaven's massive Unrepentant Sinners Database.

If you're unconvinced, however, that Google's servers are entirely Rapture-proof, then consider a contingency: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.

You may find the $135.00 per pet rescue fee a tad steep, but it's actually a bit of a bargain if you live in Idaho, Montana, New Hampshire or Vermont, where experienced atheists will take charge of your stranded llama or camel.

They really are experienced, too, as the site's FAQs demonstrate. In response to the not unreasonable question "How do you ensure your representatives won't be Raptured?", comes the answer: "Actually, we don't ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God/Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation."

There's more at the link.

Here's a marketing video from After The Rapture Pet Care.

I note that in its contract, Eternal Earthbound Pets includes this clause:

If subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured (aka is "left behind") EE-BP disclaims any liability; no refund will be tendered.

Furthermore, the company advises: "Due to the increased activity associated with the May 21, 2011 Rapture prophesy we have increased our service rates for all new contracts submitted as of 1/13/11."

Nothing like profiting from adversity - or eternity!


(P.S. - I don't believe in the Rapture at all. It was never preached or taught in Christianity until the 17th Century, and then only by a fringe theological perspective. The Apostles and the early Church certainly had no such doctrine - and that's good enough for me to regard it as invalid. If those who were taught by Christ Himself didn't preach it, why should I believe it?)


DaddyBear said...

If my cat isn't going to heaven, then I'm not going either.

Anonymous said...

So what happens to the cars, the houses, the RVs and any other items that areleft behind? Do I just walk into the house and get a new washing machine, a new couch, new lamps. I get their car? I get their whole house and everything in it?
Then what about the prisons? Do we finally get our overcrowding solved. How about air planes with no pilots, trains with out a crew, moving cars and trucks without drivers? Do the clothes go with the person that is raptures? A lot of interesting things going to happen on May 21, what if I get picked, I do not see another Christmass? What if my family gets picked except for the grandchildren, who will take care of them? This might not be good at all if this actuality happens.

HankH said...

Hi Peter,

I really enjoy your blog! I know you said you don't believe in the Rapture, but what about 1 Thessalonians 4: 15-17?


Peter said...

Hank, any verse(s) of Scripture can be warped and twisted out of context. That's how the Mathers came up with the doctrine of the
Rapture in the first place. However, it's defective theology. To do Biblical theology properly, you have to take a theme and see how it's stated and developed throughout the Bible, from Genesis to Revelation. If something's mentioned only in a single verse, and isn't elaborated or developed, it's unlikely in the extreme to be a reliable source. Consistency is required.

Also, look at what the early Church taught. Remember, at the Ascension, there was no Bible as such. The New Testament wasn't written at all. Christ didn't leave behind a Bible - He left behind a Church. It was the Church that wrote the Bible, and later decided which books were canonical and which were not. If that early Church taught a particular doctrine, even before the books we recognize as Scripture were finally recognized in the fourth century AD (yes, that's how long it took to nail them down), then it's likely to be orthodox and meaningful. If it wasn't taught in the early Church (as the Rapture certainly never was), then it's automatically to be suspected until solidly proven from other sources. As far as I'm concerned, the Rapture is not proven at all.

Same goes for all those trying to predict the date of Christ's return. See Matthew 24:36. We don't know, and aren't supposed to know - only the Father knows. Anyone telling you that Christ will return on a specific date, or even in a specific year or decade or century, is contradicting Scripture - contradicting the words of Christ Himself. Sorry. I don't believe such people for a moment.