Today's winner is from Northern Ireland.
A Northern Ireland man who tried to turn his own faeces into gold by putting it on an electric heater has been jailed for three months.
The bizarre experiment, carried out by Paul Moran, 30, caused around £3,000 [about US $4,800] worth of damage to his Housing Executive home in a block of flats at Derrin Park in Enniskillen in July.
. . .
The judge noted that Moran was now on anti-psychotic medication and agreed with the findings of a pre-sentence report, which said he did not pose “a significant risk of serious harm”.
There's more at the link.
I've heard of the philosopher's stone, of course, but that was supposed to transmute base metals into precious ones. I've never heard of a version that could transform . . . shall we say, even baser materials into something more valuable! As for anti-psychotic medication, one hopes Mr. Moran has a lifetime supply of it - but as a further precaution, shouldn't he be forbidden the possession or use of laxatives?