. . . salvation is at hand! Amazon.com offers for sale the "3M Performance Plus 8979N Nuclear Grade 48-Millimeter-by-54.8-Meter Duct Tape", in a charming shade of Slate Blue. The product is described as follows:
The 3M ... nuclear duct tape is designed for permanent and temporary use and can be applied both indoors and outdoors. It offers clean removal with little or no adhesive residue from most opaque surfaces up to six months after application. The slate blue color makes it ideal for use in nuclear tape facilities and it is certified for low leachable halogens and sulfur. It also provides sunlight and UV resistance for up to one year without the backing deteriorating or delaminating. This product is especially ideal for applications in the shipbuilding, nuclear power plant and stainless steel industries.
The best thing about the product listing is the customer reviews. Here are a few to whet your appetite.
"When we found cracks in the containment structure, we used to have to shut the whole plant down; then there was a lot of hassle with the nuclear regulatory agency about structural integrity and environmental contamination. With this quality duct tape, that's all in the past. Now, when we see a cracked or crumbling wall, we just bring out the tape. The slate blue blends right in. I do recommend that you use use double layers for openings near the reactor core."
"After a long night of beer and hot wings, I decided to overnight this tape to my house, as I knew what was going to happen.
After the epic birthing of a giant brown monster, I used 3M's performance plus nuclear tape to seal around the bathroom's door into the bedroom. To my surprise, my wife and children never did smell what I had to endure.
After 5 months, 29 days, I removed the tape, and I was happy to find no sticky residue left on the door frame."
"As I do most Sundays, I was working in the back yard on the grill. Because the dude next door is an Al Qaeda operative and he doesn't lock his shed, I figured, hey, what the hell, let's beef up the grill with some bomb grade plutonium. Because I didn't have anything handy to hold it in place, I stuck it down with this 3M nuclear duct tape. After all, I don't want my burgers exposed directly to radiation!
That seemed like a good idea at the time, but when I threw a steak on the grill, not only was the steak cooked way too quickly, but the gamma rays jumped right through the tape and caused the steak to start glowing. It also tasted funny, so I can't say I recommend this product at all!"
"It is with the profoundest regret that I report that the Nuclear Grade duct tape does not . . . and I mean definitely not . . . eliminate the seepage of the unique form of energy created by cold fusion.
The languorous but potent Sigma waves emanated by cold fusion have escaped slowly but inevitably from our hitherto secret research facility. They have begun with a grim, inescapable determination to deactivate the electromagnetic bonds that unite all matter in the universe.
In short, the Mayan calendar should be taken very, very seriously.
Our staff has already dismantled the containment chamber from our facility, discarded the Nuclear Grade duct tape, and sold the magnesium-titanium-kryptonite intercorbite dicrumupulator tubing to a scrap dealer and used the proceeds for a case of 18-year old Scotch.
In the face of this impending universal catastrophe, we recommend not only to the human race but also to any other sentient creatures in the universe to follow our example with the utmost expedition.
If they're out of 18-year old Scotch, just do what you must do."
There are many more at the link. Laugh-out-loud funny! If you feel so inclined, leave a comment of your own while you're there, to add to the merriment.